I need a day off from thinking. I think from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. My mind is full of questions. It wanders off into the darkest parts of my soul. I think of everything that can go wrong. I think of heartache, the past, and life’s struggles. I think of being abandoned by the one I love. I think of all of the places I haven’t seen and all of the places I won’t get the chance to see. I think of everything I haven’t done. I think of the sports I didn’t play, the grades I didn’t get, and even the classes I didn’t take. I think of the house I may never be able to afford and the life I may never be able to live. I think of the beginning and the end, never what comes in between. I think the beginning is the best and the end is the worst. The beginning is fresh and exciting while the end is painful and relentless. The problem with my thinking is it is not focused on the current moment. I’m either living in the past or looking forward to the future. I’m focusing on all of the pain associated with the past and all of the happiness associated with the future. I have to stop thinking in these terms or I’ll never be happy. I’ll never cherish the moment. I’ll continue to drive myself crazy, to ask questions I don’t need to ask, and to think thoughts that will only cause trouble. I have to stop myself. I have to take control of my hyperactive mind and just live!
Now is probably a good time to start meditating. I shouldn’t have waited this long.
The lesbian who thinks too damn much
It’s been far too long since I’ve written a blog post.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk.
I’m sitting here contemplating how personal I want this blog post to be which makes me think about how often we hide how we’re feeling. It makes me think about the times that we say what we have to say but we don’t say it all. There are times when you have a conversation with someone and you end the conversation feeling relieved, feeling as though you’ve accomplished something. But more often than not, we have conversations in which we walk away with more questions than we started with. I think that openness is a beautiful thing. I want to take a huge leap and say that openness can change the world, it can make the world a better place. What if we laid it all on the table? What if we told everyone we love that we love them? And yes, I’m referring to your new boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest. If you’ve fallen in love with them, say so. If it turns out bad, I give you the permission to blame me. But before you blame me, think of how it feels to have gotten that off your chest. Many times, we “wait for the right time.” The problem with this is that we often don’t know when the right time is. We think to ourselves, “Is 3 months of dating enough?” We think to ourselves, “Are 4 dates enough before I have sex with this person that I wanted to have sex with on the first date?” Hey, guess what? The first date was the right time. Maybe this is the impulsive part of me talking but I’m a firm believer in doing and saying things on your terms. Your terms are the best because they’re yours. You know what’s best for you and only you know what feels right. And I’ve gone completely off topic.
So, down to business. Today is the day I’ve decided to let go of an overly extended chapter of my life. I’m referring to my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago but it officially ended today (at least in my books). For awhile, I had her under my wing. I felt as though I had the upper hand because I ended the relationship, because I was ready to move on… or so I thought. I moved on in the sense that I stopped missing her, stopped feeling as though I needed to constantly talk to her, and got pretty close to putting my feelings before hers (aka posting personal things online where she can readily see them). But, I knew in my heart that I did not move on completely. I knew that the relationship was continuing to weigh me down. While we broke up a year ago, I didn’t feel free, at least not in the way I wanted to. While the shackle around my heart had been loosened, it was still there. As of today, that shackle is no longer there. I cannot continue to live in the past and I encourage everyone who is living in the past to stop immediately. We must realize how much control we have over our thoughts and our feelings. Oftentimes, it seems uncontrollable. “I cannot control how I feel,” is what many of us say. But, the thing is this: you can. If someone or something is constantly causing you pain and heartache, the only way to remove the pain and heartache is to let go of the pain and heartache. This may mean cutting people out or it may mean recognizing how you feel, realizing you no longer want to feel that way, and letting the feeling or thought slip through your fingers and into the wind. This takes incredible mental strength and I applaud everyone who is able to do this. But more importantly, applaud yourself for overcoming mental challenges, for overcoming emotional challenges. These are the hardest challenges to overcome. I’m pretty confident that I’ve overcome the emotional AND mental challenge that my past relationship presented to me. My heart is free. It’s yours to take.
The shackleless lesbian