Are you sure you’re straight? 

Maybe this topic is redundant on my blog BUT I keep finding myself in the same situation. Let me explain: 

I had an interaction at work today with a young male who was obviously flirting with me. I proceeded to tell him that I have a girlfriend and he stopped in his tracks as men often do and asked, “So are you a lesbian or are you bi?” Now before I even answered that, I was thinking, “does it matter?” Not because I don’t identify with a particular sexuality but because I JUST informed him that I was in a relationship. Keyword: relationship. Anywho, I told him that I am indeed a lesbian. He then questioned my sexuality by asking if I’ll ever be with a man, so on and so forth. He said, “Well, how can you say never if you don’t know?” I proceeded to ask him if he was sure he was straight. Flabbergasted, he said yes, he knows what he is and knows what he likes. SO HOW IS MY SEXUALITY ANY DIFFERENT, SIR? This opened up a can of worms for me. 

I am absolutely sick and tired of people thinking and/or assuming that a woman’s sexuality is fluid, particularly when she identifies as a lesbian. Now this isn’t to say that sexuality can’t be fluid or that a woman who identifies as a lesbian will ALWAYS identify as a lesbian, but why is it assumed that there’s a possibility I’ll date a man in the future? And this goes back to our heteronormative society that assumes everyone is straight which means straight people don’t have to “come out of the closet” nor are they questioned about their sexuality. If someone identifies as straight, do we ask them, “Have you always been straight? When’d you know? How’d you tell your parents? Are you sure you’re straight?” Those questions are NEVER asked. If someone identifies as straight, particularly men, it is almost offensive if you ask them if they’re sure. A straight man with a fluid sexuality? How dare I even think that? 

This situation also leads me to think that if I were less feminine, men wouldn’t question my sexuality as often as they do. Do I have to wear baggy clothes and have a buzz cut in order to be taken serious? Why is it assumed that a feminine woman is straight? Here’s an FYI, lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. Oh and some of them even wear makeup, heels, dresses, etc. 


And wait, one more thing: STOP THINKING YOU CAN TURN A WOMAN OUT! In fact, if any “turning out” is happening, it’s probably a lesbian turning out a straight woman. 


That goes for Tyga and A$AP Rocky who have lyrics targeting lesbians. Here they are: 

“Car too fast, give a fuck about pedestrians 

And my section less niggas, more lesbians 

Got your bitch, I’m that nigga” – Tyga 

“I be fuckin broads like I be fuckin bored 

Turn a dyke bitch out, have her fuckin boys” – A$AP Rocky 

Did anyone bat an eye when hearing these lyrics? Would someone bat an eye if a mainstream rapper like A$AP Rocky said, “Turn a straight man out, have him fuckin boys”? My guess is that the Internet would go crazy. 

In conclusion, 

Yes, I like women. 

No, I don’t like men. 

No, I won’t like men in the future. 

No, you don’t have a chance. 

Sincerely yours, 

The lesbian who wants to be taken serious 

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Gay Pride Month

As I was exiting the subway station this morning, I noticed a TD Bank advertisement that read something along the lines of “celebrate pride month, celebrate pride year.” Once I left the station, the first thing I noticed was American Eagle’s window display for Pride. I then thought to myself, “All of these advertisements, window displays, and rainbow flags are about to come down because June is almost over.” A pretty dismal thought but it’s the reality of it, isn’t it?

The reality of Pride month is just that: it’s a month. For a month, the LGBTQ community feels recognized, accepted, and maybe even loved. But what about the 11 months of the year when rainbow flags aren’t dancing in the wind all over major cities such as NYC? The issue is Pride month is one of the only times of the year that same-sex couples make it to mainstream media. The issue is heterosexual references are everywhere, all the time. I put in my headphones and hear Trey Songz singing about sleeping with women. I change the song and hear SZA singing about sleeping with another woman’s boyfriend. I’m a huge fan of both of these artists; however, I’d love to listen to a song about homosexuals making love. I’d love to go on Instagram and see references to homosexual relationships. Instead I see things like, “Dickpressed: being sad or upset about the lack of dick in your life.” Instead I see things about falling for fuckboys and not being able to stay away from assholes. So, am I following the wrong pages or are heterosexual references EVERYWHERE? I’ve answered my own question.

Maybe I shouldn’t read into these things as much as I do but honestly they’re all reminders of the progress we HAVEN’T made. They’re reminders of the work that needs to be done. They’re reminders that the LGBTQ community continues to be the minority and continues to be treated as such. So thank you for raising your rainbow flags, thank you for the window displays and subway advertisements, BUT there’s 11 other months in the year. I’d like to be noticed then as well.

Sincerely yours,

The analytical, hyper-aware lesbian

You used to call me on my house phone 

What happened to us? We used to be a society that could thrive on so little. At one point, there was no color tv. Now, every one has a Smart TV in their living rooms, bedrooms, family rooms, and some people even have TVs in their kitchen. We love to reminisce about the days we used payphones, beepers, flip phones, Nextels, etc. Now, we can’t leave the house without our smartphone. Now, we can’t go to the movies without checking in on  Facebook. We no longer need to remember phone numbers, birthdays, or how to get from Point A to Point B. Our handy dandy smartphones do it all. Have a question? Ask Siri. Want to know what Kim Kardashian is up to? Go on Instagram. Want to vicariously live through your friends who go clubbing every weekend? Go on Snapchat. We have the constant need to be stimulated and while we’ve progressed from beepers to iPhones, we still want more. I bet they’ll be a line outside every Apple Store once the iPhone 8 releases. And what will the iPhone 8 do that the iPhone 7 doesn’t do? Take better pictures of every meal you consume? Provide you with search results milliseconds faster than the iPhone 7? 

What happened to us? 

Why do we “need” so much more than we needed 10 years ago? And what will we “need” 10 years from now? Why do 5 year olds play on iPads instead of in the park? Why are 10 year olds killing people in video games but aren’t required to take a class about morals, self-love, and positivity? 

What happened to us? 

While I’m writing this blog with such passion, care, and a little bit of hopelessness, there’s a CEO being chauffeured around in a black SUV by an individual who probably struggles to get their rent paid on time. While we’re discussing Kylie Jenner’s plump lips and making memes about them, she’s making millions off of her cosmetic line. While we’re standing in line for cellphones, sneakers, and sample sales, someone else is making a profit while we’re losing our hard-earned cash. 

And with that being said, I’ll say what my grandma says to me all the time: the rich get richer while the poor get poorer. So all I ask is that you think about Wale’s lyric in ‘Diary,’ 

Do these material things materialize to a better you? 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who just started watching Mr. Robot who is kind-of, sort-of, my spirit animal 

PS: If this blog post was of any interest to you, you should 1) listen to that song and 2) watch ‘Minimalism’ on Netflix. Thank me later 😉 

Society keeps breaking my heart. 

The uncertainty of it breaks my heart. Sabrina would tell me to stop tripping, to be present, and to hope for the best. She’d tell me to stop worrying so much about the future. But I’m here to share my fears with others, let them know that they are not alone, and also bring awareness to others. 

Awareness of how hard it is to be a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record; this is a topic that I cover often. But unfortunately, it continues to be a relevant one. 

I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that it sucks to CONVINCE other women that being with a woman is perfectly ok and actually feels really good. I’ve been trying to accept, fully understand, and wrap my head around this statement: “sexuality is fluid.” I realize that it is and I’d hate to bash bisexuals like the rest of the world does. But goddamn, this sucks. It sucks to want to marry a woman, have a family with her, and start a life with her, but never be sure if she’d be WILLING to do so. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that women DO get married and have long, healthy marriages the same way heterosexual couples do. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that two women can raise a child without the child growing up to be gay, different, confused, or whatever else people may think will transpire. I hate loving a woman and thinking to myself, “Am I enough? Will she leave me for a man one day?” I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but I feel pressured to do everything and anything in my power to keep a woman happy even if it means sacrificing my own happiness or putting my needs on the back burner. I’m constantly trying to be different from a man in hopes that it’ll be enough to keep a woman. I repeatedly think to myself, “Well, if I treat her better than most men have in the past, she’ll want to stay with me.” But then doubt enters my mind and that statement is followed by a, “….right?” And then I think, “WRONG!” I worry that one day she’ll want to live a “normal” life. She’ll want to have a normal family: a man, a woman, and a kid. She’ll want to have a normal wedding. A man and his groomsmen on one side of the alter and a woman and her bridesmaids on the other. 

My heart races as I write this. 

It races because I’m afraid. 

Afraid that I won’t be enough. 

Afraid that I won’t convince her to live an “abnormal” life. 

Afraid that I’ll always lose the love of my life to society’s standards. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who worries as if it’s her full-time job 

But first, let me take a selfie.

I think that social media is great for some reasons. It’s an excellent way to reach a large number of people. If it weren’t for social media, it would be difficult to advertise my blog. If it weren’t for social media, many of us would not know what’s going on in other countries, let alone our own. However, I do believe that social media is misused at times.

I read an article earlier written by a woman whose husband hardly ever dedicates posts to her. I was specifically looking for an article about being perfectly fine with this. The reason being is because I’ve noticed how upset I get over social media. “Well, why won’t you put up a picture of us?” “Why aren’t I ever your #wcw?” “But, I post pictures of us/you.” “When are you going to hashtag about me?” “Well, how would you feel if I didn’t post pictures of us?” It’s a tad bit embarrassing to admit, but I’ve asked some of these questions. Then, I started to look at the bigger picture. I broke it down for myself all while watching the 50th Super Bowl (You can tell just how much I enjoyed the game). I wanted to be featured on Instagram so badly because I wanted the whole world to know just how much I’m loved and appreciated by my significant other. But then I realized, I am loved and appreciated regardless. A picture of me/us may not be posted  this Wednesday or next, but I’m sure I’ll be loved this Wednesday and next. It was a hard pill to swallow (also embarrassing to admit) but I realized that being posted on social media does not change or is reminiscent of the way someone feels about me. I also asked myself, “Well, what did people do before social media?” because believe it or not, there was a time when Facebook didn’t exist. Once I realized that relationships were fine and prospered before social media, I realized that receiving a card, a note, a love letter, or even a thirty second phone call to say, “I love you” is so much more meaningful than an Instagram post.

But wait, this isn’t the end of my rant!

We’re on social media so much that we forget about our own lives because we’re so concerned with the lives of others. We can go online and find out where others are eating, what they’re eating, who they’re eating with, what they’re going to do after they eat, and so on. We can go online and see that someone our age has a better paying job, a better car, a better apartment/house, etc. and the craziest thing is that before looking at their profile, we may have been completely satisfied with our lives. We’re constantly comparing our lives with the lives of others because it’s in our faces all the time. Most of us can’t put our phones down during dinner, a movie, or even a night out. Before eating, we HAVE to take a picture. When we’re out having a good time, we HAVE to record every minute of it. What if we just stopped and enjoyed it? What if our food came to our table and we ate it right away? We didn’t take a picture of it nor did we scroll through Instagram while eating it.

Social media is taking us away from the present.

Remember that every minute spent on social media is a minute you cannot get back.

And I’m not suggesting that we delete our Instagrams’ and Facebooks’, all I’m asking is that we pay closer attention to the role social media plays in our lives. Is it a positive one? Do you feel happier after scrolling through Instagram? How often are you comparing your life to someone else’s because of social media? Is it taking a toll on your relationship?

Stop scrolling and think. I promise it won’t hurt.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who is trying harder and harder every day to care less and less about social media

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Pasergetic (Passionate + Energetic = Pasergetic) 

People chase after normalcy, I run away from it. 

Society has created an image of the perfect family as a wife, husband, a daughter, and a son. Mommy stays home and watches the kids while daddy goes out and makes the money. There’s a home cooked meal on the table every day of the week and pizzas are ordered over the weekend as a treat. But this isn’t everyone’s reality. The families that I know are living paycheck to paycheck. Daddy normally isn’t in the picture. There are no big houses or fancy cars. There’s apartment buildings, Hondas, and Toyotas. But that’s not what we see on tv. That’s not what we read in books. We start to ask ourselves, “Why did we get the short end of the stick?” But should we let the media dictate what the short end of the stick is? Should we feel less than because we don’t have a white picket fence and a picture perfect family? Should we feel like an oddball for not wanting that? What if we want adventure and not the mundane bullshit we see on Desperate Housewives? So what if my vision of my future is different from mainstream media? My less-than-perfect family will be just as great as yours. If not, better. And my far-less-mundane life will be just as great as yours. But I’m sure it’ll be better. 
Yours truly, 

The poor lesbian who’s clearly been affected by intersectionality  

  

Lianet, this is for you.

What does happiness look like to you? What does happiness feel like to you? How many happy people do you know? Do you consider yourself a happy person? Happiness is a topic that we love and hate to talk about. We typically love to talk about it because we’re all searching for it but we hate to talk about it because many times we realize that we aren’t happy or at least not as happy as we want to be. But wait, there’s hope! Here is my suggestion to anyone and everyone who comes across this blog:

DEFINE HAPPINESS BY YOUR TERMS.

Is a white picket fence, 2 kids (one boy, one girl), two cars, and a four bedroom house your definition and/or image of happiness or is it society’s image? Is it your mom’s image? Your dad’s? If this image of happiness comes from a source other than your own, RECONSIDER IT! Society will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in the “American Dream.” Instagram will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in the number of followers you have. Twitter will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in a retweet and/or favorite from your favorite celebrity. Shit, it doesn’t even have to be your favorite celebrity. If ANY celebrity retweets or favorites your tweet, a smile makes its way across your face. If your Instagram picture gets a minimum of 11 likes, a smile makes its way across your face. If a handful of people wish you a Happy Birthday on Facebook, a smile makes its way across your face. Now I’m not saying that these things can’t make you happy, I’m simply suggesting that you pay attention to your definition of happiness and ask yourself, “Is this my definition of happiness?”

And now a tidbit from my conversion with my best friend, Lianet.

“If you were smoking crack, I’d be like, ‘Is ya’ happy?’ like T.I. and if you express genuine happiness then I’m happy! I’d tell you that you’re fucking up your mind and body BUT IF YOU HAPPY BOO BOO, SMOKE YO CRACK!”

This is an extreme example but you catch my drift 😉

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never stop seeking happiness