Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

Feeling comfortable in your own skin is something many of us struggle with. What we see in the media and what we see in the mirror is different and sometimes that’s a problem. It would be silly to solely blame the media when we have friends and family whose advice we take seriously. There’s memes on Instagram about being the ugly friend. There are parents who tell their child(ren) how to dress, how to do their hair, etc. We all grow up knowing what’s an appropriate outfit to wear and what’s inappropriate. Women know when they should wear makeup and do their hair and men know when to wear a suit and tie. But some people don’t want to follow these rules. 

This past weekend I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and unfortunately it wasn’t the first time that I felt this way. I didn’t feel beautiful, sexy, pretty, or whatever adjective you’d like to use. My hair didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. I was bloated. And I wasn’t in love with my outfit. As opposed to leaving the house feeling good and excited for that night’s festivities (a long awaited Drake concert at Madison Square Garden!), I felt insecure and had the urge to stay inside where no one could see or judge me. It didn’t help that I was standing next to a blonde hair, green eye goddess either. I didn’t want to be the “ugly one” in the relationship. I didn’t want people to think to themselves, “Why is she with her?” And throughout the night, I kept thinking to myself, “She could be with anyone. Why is she with me?” 

These thoughts lingered through the night and made their way into my head the following morning. As I laid on the beach, I thought and thought and thought some more. I realized that I am insecure and not in love with the way I look or dress. Then I thought about it some more because thinking is what I do. I then realized that I have to accept myself for who I am. I am unlike other women. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t own a purse. I don’t have a drawer full of accessories. I don’t have a closet full of shoes. Instead, I have a closet full of sneakers. While I want to feel beautiful, I have no desire to shop for a “Saturday night outfit.” There’s no part of me that wants to get dolled up. There’s no part of me that wants to “dress like a girl for once” as my friend once told me. I’m a woman who dresses up on occasion but most of the time wants to wear sweatpants, sneakers, and a hoodie. I can’t keep thinking that I am less attractive than woman who dress up because that’s MY kind of beautiful. I feel the most confident in a fresh pair of sneakers.

That’s just who I am. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who will always be more excited for a new pair of kicks rather than a new handbag 

PS: This is for all of you who are different in some way, shape, or form. Know who you are and accept it. It’ll pay off in the long run.

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But first, let me take a selfie.

I think that social media is great for some reasons. It’s an excellent way to reach a large number of people. If it weren’t for social media, it would be difficult to advertise my blog. If it weren’t for social media, many of us would not know what’s going on in other countries, let alone our own. However, I do believe that social media is misused at times.

I read an article earlier written by a woman whose husband hardly ever dedicates posts to her. I was specifically looking for an article about being perfectly fine with this. The reason being is because I’ve noticed how upset I get over social media. “Well, why won’t you put up a picture of us?” “Why aren’t I ever your #wcw?” “But, I post pictures of us/you.” “When are you going to hashtag about me?” “Well, how would you feel if I didn’t post pictures of us?” It’s a tad bit embarrassing to admit, but I’ve asked some of these questions. Then, I started to look at the bigger picture. I broke it down for myself all while watching the 50th Super Bowl (You can tell just how much I enjoyed the game). I wanted to be featured on Instagram so badly because I wanted the whole world to know just how much I’m loved and appreciated by my significant other. But then I realized, I am loved and appreciated regardless. A picture of me/us may not be posted  this Wednesday or next, but I’m sure I’ll be loved this Wednesday and next. It was a hard pill to swallow (also embarrassing to admit) but I realized that being posted on social media does not change or is reminiscent of the way someone feels about me. I also asked myself, “Well, what did people do before social media?” because believe it or not, there was a time when Facebook didn’t exist. Once I realized that relationships were fine and prospered before social media, I realized that receiving a card, a note, a love letter, or even a thirty second phone call to say, “I love you” is so much more meaningful than an Instagram post.

But wait, this isn’t the end of my rant!

We’re on social media so much that we forget about our own lives because we’re so concerned with the lives of others. We can go online and find out where others are eating, what they’re eating, who they’re eating with, what they’re going to do after they eat, and so on. We can go online and see that someone our age has a better paying job, a better car, a better apartment/house, etc. and the craziest thing is that before looking at their profile, we may have been completely satisfied with our lives. We’re constantly comparing our lives with the lives of others because it’s in our faces all the time. Most of us can’t put our phones down during dinner, a movie, or even a night out. Before eating, we HAVE to take a picture. When we’re out having a good time, we HAVE to record every minute of it. What if we just stopped and enjoyed it? What if our food came to our table and we ate it right away? We didn’t take a picture of it nor did we scroll through Instagram while eating it.

Social media is taking us away from the present.

Remember that every minute spent on social media is a minute you cannot get back.

And I’m not suggesting that we delete our Instagrams’ and Facebooks’, all I’m asking is that we pay closer attention to the role social media plays in our lives. Is it a positive one? Do you feel happier after scrolling through Instagram? How often are you comparing your life to someone else’s because of social media? Is it taking a toll on your relationship?

Stop scrolling and think. I promise it won’t hurt.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who is trying harder and harder every day to care less and less about social media

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Self-worth.

It seems as though it’s easier for us to feel as if we aren’t good enough. There is no solid definition or way to describe “good enough.” It means different things to different people. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our parents. Maybe your parents want you to become a doctor while your dream is to become a teacher. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our significant other. Maybe you don’t feel pretty enough, adventurous enough, or sexual enough. But the worst is when you don’t feel good enough for yourself. Maybe you think that you don’t deserve nice things or that you don’t deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend. You may even think that you aren’t worthy of love or success or happiness. Well my friend, I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of those things along with anything else that sets your heart on fire. Now it’s your turn to start believing it.

I’ve been made to feel as if I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough because I’m young. I’m not good enough because I don’t have a career. I don’t make six figures. Shit, I don’t even have health insurance. (I know you coming for me during tax season, Obama. It’s all good.) I’m not good enough because I have a “strong personality.” I’m not good enough because I’m a woman. I’m not good enough because I’m a woman which therefore means I cannot impregnate your daughter. I’m not good enough because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m not good enough because I talk as if I’m “from the street.” I’m not good enough because I don’t eat “properly.” I’m not good enough because I’m from Paterson. I’m not good enough because I curse…often. I’m not good enough because I’m a lesbian.

See, the issue with these statements is that they did not come from my mouth. They didn’t come from my mouth because I AM GOOD ENOUGH. Call me young all you want; age ain’t nothing but a number to me. I know that I’m mature and that’s all that matters. (Emphasis on “I know.”) I don’t have a career and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but remember when you called me a baby? Well, this baby has PLENTY of time to figure out what she wants to do with her life considering she’s only 22 years old. (Whatever happened to having fun? I’m not cut out for that 9-5, come home and admire my white picket fence before I cook dinner for my family five nights a week, life.) And I mean, this is a blog dedicated to making women and gays feel good about themselves so I don’t even have to say that I’m good enough because I have lady parts, but I will anyway. I’M A WOMAN AND I’M GOOD ENOUGH. And I know that I can’t impregnate your daughter but I can raise children with her and be the best mother I can be.

So, there it is. Rather than allowing someone to make me feel like shit, I decided to tell myself that I’m enough. In fact, I’m more than enough.

Today’s objective: Reminding yourself of your values and realizing that they may be different from the values of others.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never let another dictate her life