24 in 24 

I’m turning 24 years old in 24 hours… ish. 23 was an important year and I’d probably say it was the best year of my life. Here’s 24 reasons why: 

1) August 11, 2016 – my girlfriend treated me to a delicious meal at a REAL steakhouse #notoutback 😉 


2) I went to my first baseball game. The Mets lost, of course 😂


3) Volunteered at Global Citizen Festival for the first time. Thank you, Patrick! 


4) Witnessed one of my girlfriend’s dreams come true: she met her FAVORITE artist! 


5) Saw Beyoncé for the SECOND time that year! 


6) Completed my first Tough Mudder 💪🏼 


7) Visited Austin, TX for the first time. 


8) Went skydiving for the first time! 


9) Visited Canada for the first time and spent New Years in Montreal. 


10) Learned how to ski at Whiteface Mountain! Thank you, Kyle from ORDA, for organizing an amazing trip for us.

 

11) Went skiing for the SECOND time on Valentine’s Day. 


12) Went skiing for the THIRD time, this time at Mountain Creek. 


13) Seen and listened to two of my favorite women talk at BMCC, Chelsea Handler and Gloria Steinem. 


14) On our way to a two-week vacation in California! 

15) Fell in love with Palm Springs and San Jacinto State Park.

 

16) Came to the realization that Joshua Tree is my favorite national park thus far. 


17) Went camping for the very first time (that little, orange tent is ours). 


18) Hurt my neck looking up at the sequoias in Sequoia National Park. 


19) Enjoyed the picturesque Mesquite Flat Sand Dunes in Death Valley National Park. 


20) Unexpectedly spent time in Las Vegas with my family from LA. 


21) Met my favorite spoken word artist, Rudy Francisco. 


22) Started rock climbing. Thank you, Brooklyn Boulders! Looking forward to becoming a #beast 💪🏼


23) Seen my favorite artist, J. Cole. 


24) And last but not least, here a few people that make every day worth it. 


I’m looking forward to 24 being just as full of adventure as 23 was. I want to learn more about myself, the ones I love, and life. I want to continue falling in love with nature, CMG, and new experiences. I want to be myself wholeheartedly. I want to be honest with myself and those around me. I want to live every day like it’s my last. 

And for those reading this, live your best life. Make a bucket list, make a list of what makes you happy and do it! If money is a problem, start a lemonade stand, start a GoFundMe, or wait until you have the money in place to make your dreams come true. It’ll be worth it when you’re telling your grandkids how much fun you had in your 20s. 😉 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who wants to live life to its fullest on her birthday and the other 364 days of the year 

Are you sure you’re straight? 

Maybe this topic is redundant on my blog BUT I keep finding myself in the same situation. Let me explain: 

I had an interaction at work today with a young male who was obviously flirting with me. I proceeded to tell him that I have a girlfriend and he stopped in his tracks as men often do and asked, “So are you a lesbian or are you bi?” Now before I even answered that, I was thinking, “does it matter?” Not because I don’t identify with a particular sexuality but because I JUST informed him that I was in a relationship. Keyword: relationship. Anywho, I told him that I am indeed a lesbian. He then questioned my sexuality by asking if I’ll ever be with a man, so on and so forth. He said, “Well, how can you say never if you don’t know?” I proceeded to ask him if he was sure he was straight. Flabbergasted, he said yes, he knows what he is and knows what he likes. SO HOW IS MY SEXUALITY ANY DIFFERENT, SIR? This opened up a can of worms for me. 

I am absolutely sick and tired of people thinking and/or assuming that a woman’s sexuality is fluid, particularly when she identifies as a lesbian. Now this isn’t to say that sexuality can’t be fluid or that a woman who identifies as a lesbian will ALWAYS identify as a lesbian, but why is it assumed that there’s a possibility I’ll date a man in the future? And this goes back to our heteronormative society that assumes everyone is straight which means straight people don’t have to “come out of the closet” nor are they questioned about their sexuality. If someone identifies as straight, do we ask them, “Have you always been straight? When’d you know? How’d you tell your parents? Are you sure you’re straight?” Those questions are NEVER asked. If someone identifies as straight, particularly men, it is almost offensive if you ask them if they’re sure. A straight man with a fluid sexuality? How dare I even think that? 

This situation also leads me to think that if I were less feminine, men wouldn’t question my sexuality as often as they do. Do I have to wear baggy clothes and have a buzz cut in order to be taken serious? Why is it assumed that a feminine woman is straight? Here’s an FYI, lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. Oh and some of them even wear makeup, heels, dresses, etc. 


And wait, one more thing: STOP THINKING YOU CAN TURN A WOMAN OUT! In fact, if any “turning out” is happening, it’s probably a lesbian turning out a straight woman. 


That goes for Tyga and A$AP Rocky who have lyrics targeting lesbians. Here they are: 

“Car too fast, give a fuck about pedestrians 

And my section less niggas, more lesbians 

Got your bitch, I’m that nigga” – Tyga 

“I be fuckin broads like I be fuckin bored 

Turn a dyke bitch out, have her fuckin boys” – A$AP Rocky 

Did anyone bat an eye when hearing these lyrics? Would someone bat an eye if a mainstream rapper like A$AP Rocky said, “Turn a straight man out, have him fuckin boys”? My guess is that the Internet would go crazy. 

In conclusion, 

Yes, I like women. 

No, I don’t like men. 

No, I won’t like men in the future. 

No, you don’t have a chance. 

Sincerely yours, 

The lesbian who wants to be taken serious 

My favorite example of love. 

I’ve been a romantic all my life and I’ve thought about, dreamt about, and talked about my ideal love. I fantasized about how they would make me feel, what they would say, and how happy they’d make me. My friends and I spent hours talking about our examples of love. As much as I wanted it, I wasn’t sure if it existed. I thought, maybe my expectations are too high and I’m living in a fantasy world. 

Then, you came along. 

You came along and made it feel like there was electricity flowing through my body. 

You came along and I stopped caring about how awkward it is to stare at someone. 

From the time we are children, we’re told that staring at someone is rude. But I can’t help but to stare at you. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness when your eyes meet mine. I’ve even thought, “If I stare too long, I may start to cry.” 

This made me realize that tears of joy are real. And I’m almost certain that this is how you feel.  
You said I don’t write any “good” blogs in terms of good feelings. Well, here it is. 

Even when you’re away, I can feel you right here.  

Yours truly, 

The lesbian 

But first, let me take a selfie.

I think that social media is great for some reasons. It’s an excellent way to reach a large number of people. If it weren’t for social media, it would be difficult to advertise my blog. If it weren’t for social media, many of us would not know what’s going on in other countries, let alone our own. However, I do believe that social media is misused at times.

I read an article earlier written by a woman whose husband hardly ever dedicates posts to her. I was specifically looking for an article about being perfectly fine with this. The reason being is because I’ve noticed how upset I get over social media. “Well, why won’t you put up a picture of us?” “Why aren’t I ever your #wcw?” “But, I post pictures of us/you.” “When are you going to hashtag about me?” “Well, how would you feel if I didn’t post pictures of us?” It’s a tad bit embarrassing to admit, but I’ve asked some of these questions. Then, I started to look at the bigger picture. I broke it down for myself all while watching the 50th Super Bowl (You can tell just how much I enjoyed the game). I wanted to be featured on Instagram so badly because I wanted the whole world to know just how much I’m loved and appreciated by my significant other. But then I realized, I am loved and appreciated regardless. A picture of me/us may not be posted  this Wednesday or next, but I’m sure I’ll be loved this Wednesday and next. It was a hard pill to swallow (also embarrassing to admit) but I realized that being posted on social media does not change or is reminiscent of the way someone feels about me. I also asked myself, “Well, what did people do before social media?” because believe it or not, there was a time when Facebook didn’t exist. Once I realized that relationships were fine and prospered before social media, I realized that receiving a card, a note, a love letter, or even a thirty second phone call to say, “I love you” is so much more meaningful than an Instagram post.

But wait, this isn’t the end of my rant!

We’re on social media so much that we forget about our own lives because we’re so concerned with the lives of others. We can go online and find out where others are eating, what they’re eating, who they’re eating with, what they’re going to do after they eat, and so on. We can go online and see that someone our age has a better paying job, a better car, a better apartment/house, etc. and the craziest thing is that before looking at their profile, we may have been completely satisfied with our lives. We’re constantly comparing our lives with the lives of others because it’s in our faces all the time. Most of us can’t put our phones down during dinner, a movie, or even a night out. Before eating, we HAVE to take a picture. When we’re out having a good time, we HAVE to record every minute of it. What if we just stopped and enjoyed it? What if our food came to our table and we ate it right away? We didn’t take a picture of it nor did we scroll through Instagram while eating it.

Social media is taking us away from the present.

Remember that every minute spent on social media is a minute you cannot get back.

And I’m not suggesting that we delete our Instagrams’ and Facebooks’, all I’m asking is that we pay closer attention to the role social media plays in our lives. Is it a positive one? Do you feel happier after scrolling through Instagram? How often are you comparing your life to someone else’s because of social media? Is it taking a toll on your relationship?

Stop scrolling and think. I promise it won’t hurt.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who is trying harder and harder every day to care less and less about social media

IMG_7473

Self-worth.

It seems as though it’s easier for us to feel as if we aren’t good enough. There is no solid definition or way to describe “good enough.” It means different things to different people. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our parents. Maybe your parents want you to become a doctor while your dream is to become a teacher. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our significant other. Maybe you don’t feel pretty enough, adventurous enough, or sexual enough. But the worst is when you don’t feel good enough for yourself. Maybe you think that you don’t deserve nice things or that you don’t deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend. You may even think that you aren’t worthy of love or success or happiness. Well my friend, I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of those things along with anything else that sets your heart on fire. Now it’s your turn to start believing it.

I’ve been made to feel as if I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough because I’m young. I’m not good enough because I don’t have a career. I don’t make six figures. Shit, I don’t even have health insurance. (I know you coming for me during tax season, Obama. It’s all good.) I’m not good enough because I have a “strong personality.” I’m not good enough because I’m a woman. I’m not good enough because I’m a woman which therefore means I cannot impregnate your daughter. I’m not good enough because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m not good enough because I talk as if I’m “from the street.” I’m not good enough because I don’t eat “properly.” I’m not good enough because I’m from Paterson. I’m not good enough because I curse…often. I’m not good enough because I’m a lesbian.

See, the issue with these statements is that they did not come from my mouth. They didn’t come from my mouth because I AM GOOD ENOUGH. Call me young all you want; age ain’t nothing but a number to me. I know that I’m mature and that’s all that matters. (Emphasis on “I know.”) I don’t have a career and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but remember when you called me a baby? Well, this baby has PLENTY of time to figure out what she wants to do with her life considering she’s only 22 years old. (Whatever happened to having fun? I’m not cut out for that 9-5, come home and admire my white picket fence before I cook dinner for my family five nights a week, life.) And I mean, this is a blog dedicated to making women and gays feel good about themselves so I don’t even have to say that I’m good enough because I have lady parts, but I will anyway. I’M A WOMAN AND I’M GOOD ENOUGH. And I know that I can’t impregnate your daughter but I can raise children with her and be the best mother I can be.

So, there it is. Rather than allowing someone to make me feel like shit, I decided to tell myself that I’m enough. In fact, I’m more than enough.

Today’s objective: Reminding yourself of your values and realizing that they may be different from the values of others.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never let another dictate her life

  

Same love 

I was deeply hurt over this past weekend. It wasn’t one particular person that hurt me and I wasn’t mad at anyone. But I was hurt in the way that I could’ve started crying at any given moment. And I did cry. A lot. I cried in my car. I cried in the shower. I even cried in front of my little sister which is something that I’ve probably done only a handful of times. I was so desperately trying to figure out why I was hurt. Where was all of this pain coming from? I eventually figured it out. I was hurt by the world. The world’s, or should I say society’s, perception of being gay is what hurt me. I realized that being straight really is easier. If I were a man, my girlfriend and I would never get looked at or questioned after sharing a kiss in public. We could hold hands in public without others’ eyes diverting downwards when they pass us on the street. We could show affection in public without men thinking it’s “hot” or an open invitation to come home with us. 

Being straight is easier. 

Straight people don’t ever have to sit their parents down and tell them, “I’m straight.” It’s already assumed that they are unless they dress “differently” or talk “differently.” You know, because all gay people dress a certain way. Feminine lesbians? Unheard of! Unless of course one is feminine and another is butch in which case the feminine one will probably get questioned more often. People have to figure out just how feminity and sexuality go hand in hand. How could a woman be feminine and be gay? IT’S POSSIBLE. 

So like I was saying, being straight is easier. There is no, “I’m going to tell my parents soon” or “I don’t know how to tell my family.” Coming out to your family and friends usually causes anxiety. You’re afraid of how they’re going to react. Oh and be ready for the same ole questions. 

Here’s a list: 

“Well, what about grandchildren?” 

“Have you always been gay?” 

“How do you guys.. You know?” 

“What about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?” 

“Did something happen to you?” (This is the question asked when people think trauma has something to do with one’s sexuality. LOL.) 

“So, are you fully gay now?” 

“You know that it’s wrong, right?” (God will probably be brought up shortly after.) 

The list goes on and on. 

I was hurt because it’s unfair. It’s unfair that we have to hide who we really are in front of our loved ones. It’s unfair that I have to act like the best friend. It’s unfair that we have to sneak kisses. It’s unfair that I’m the one who can easily be resented. It’s unfair how I can make a woman happier than any guy ever has yet I can only be loved behind closed doors. But what’s really unfair is how, “You’re playing it off so well!” is supposed to be some kind of compliment. That’s the thing: I don’t want to have to play it off. I want the whole world to know that I love you and that you love me. The hashtag #lovewins is cute but clearly, love hasn’t won just yet. 

It’s so unfair.

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who can marry the one she loves in all 50 states but continues to be “less qualified” as another woman’s partner 

  

Adjustment. 

Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless. 

My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.

The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person. 

It’s just taking me time to adjust. 

Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust. 

   

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust  

Change. 

Ever have one of those, “What’s wrong with me?” days? I’m having one today and I have them more than I’d like to admit. It seems as though every time I come into work, I have something new to talk to Sabrina about. I don’t know if she’s annoyed by me and my problems but I most certainly am. 

Something that my ex said to me right before we broke up seems to haunt me on a daily basis; I think that I mentioned it in a previous blog. She said, “You’ll never be satisfied.” When she said this, I don’t think that she was solely referring to myself in relationships. I’m pretty sure she was referring to my life as a whole. I’m unhappy with this statement but even more unhappy because I know that there’s truth behind it. I tend to focus on the past. I think about how good things were 3 days ago or 3 months ago which prevents me from appreciating what’s happening right now at this very moment. If there’s a change in someone’s behavior over the course of time, I notice it and I usually deem it as a bad thing. “You call me less than you did a few months ago.” “We see each other less than we did a few months ago.” Now the issue is that these thoughts manifest into a complete shit show. If we see each other less than we once did, I’ll probably think that something’s wrong with that. I’ll think that we’re losing something as opposed to gaining something. I’ll think that it means we’re less excited to spend time together. Basically, I’ll think of a bunch of negative things and then I’ll even express them to the person. Expressing myself makes me feel better until the other person is like, “There’s nothing wrong.” That’s when I realize I created a problem that wasn’t there to begin with. 

So I ask myself again, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” 

I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to wake up happy more than I wake up sad. I want to go to sleep content as opposed to going to sleep with a million things on my mind. I want to change. I need to. How do I change? Is it my past that’s affecting my present? Maybe there’s a shit ton of pain that I haven’t dealt with. Maybe it’s because I don’t allow myself to cry as often as I need to. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of experiencing any negative emotions even though they’re a sign that you’re human. 

Ev, you’re human. 

Ev, it’s going to be okay. 

Ev, stop worrying. 

Ev, I love you. 

Yours truly, 

The emotional ass, ain’t even on her period to be this emotional, lesbian 

Perfectly lonely or quantity vs quality, either one works.

Yes, this blog has two titles.

You know, before I start writing, I have A LOT to say. I think about many things at once, but once I start writing, I kind of forget about everything I was thinking about and I end up writing a half-assed blog. It’s half-assed because it isn’t thorough. This blog is going to be thorough.

So, my birthday is coming up. As opposed to experiencing 24 hours of happiness, I usually experience many different emotions and a lot of these emotions are negative. I get really emotional because I have such high expectations which I know is my fault but I think that a lot of us have high expectations on this particular day of the year. Personally, I want to feel an abundance of love. I want to feel as though my birthday is important to people. I want to know that my existence matters. I want people to go above and beyond. But this doesn’t always happen. As a matter of fact, I’m usually unsatisfied and unfulfilled. It’s my fault, I know. I know I’m not being a good Buddhist by attaching such high expectations to my birthday. It’s something that I plan on changing and I plan on changing it with this upcoming birthday.

I’m going to spend most of my birthday by myself. I plan on sleeping in (always a blissful thing to do) and then taking a trip to Brooklyn. I plan on getting a coffee from a nearby coffee shop, going to a bookstore that I found online, and reading for hours. If Mother Nature decides to let the sun come out and play, I’ll read my book on the grass in Brooklyn Bridge Park. Maybe it’s kind of odd to want to spend your birthday like this but I’m really excited. I’m excited to spend time with me on my day. I’m excited to enjoy my existence. I’m excited to not worry about how many people also enjoy my existence. And that leads me to my second title: quantity vs quality.

I complain about the way my mom feels about gift giving all the time, especially around Christmas. She wants to see a lot of presents under the tree. She wants my sister and I to have a lot to open on Christmas morning and she also wants a lot to open on that special day. I try to stress to her that gift giving is about quantity and not about quality. I’d rather get ONE thing that I’ve been wanting for awhile as opposed to getting five things that I can live without. I should stop complaining about this though because I’ve been the same way for awhile. I have valued quality over quantity plenty of times, particularly with friends. This goes back to being emotional on my birthday. I want EVERYONE to know that it’s my birthday and expect EVERYONE to wish me a happy birthday. But why does it matter how many people wish me a happy birthday? This year all that matters is WHO wishes me a happy birthday. I’m going to place more value and express gratitude to those who wish me a happy birthday without a reminder from Instagram. Those who watch the clock and wait until 12 am to wish me a happy birthday. Those who call me and text me. Those birthday wishes are the ones that matter.

Pay attention to the birthday wishes that you receive and remember that quantity is more important than quality. I personally believe that it is better to be wholeheartedly loved by a few rather than insincerely loved by many.

Yours truly,

The trying to be perfectly lonely lesbian

PS: Thank you for the lesson.

My heart is my favorite and least favorite accessory. 

  
Uh yeah, pretty much. 

I’ve been blogging a lot lately because I’ve been feeling a lot lately. Lots of different emotions and lots of thoughts running through my mind. This post, in particular, is about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Personally, I think it’s great for someone to wear their heart on their sleeve and I also think that they’re in the minority. But, coming from a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, it hardly ever feels like a beneficial thing. I’d like to say I feel a lot, but I can’t single myself out. We all feel a lot. We all think a lot. What distinguishes myself from others is that I typically speak about it. If I like you, I want to let you know that I like you. Shit, I’ll let you know that I like you, how much, what I like about you, and the list goes on. I guess problems arise when you expect the same from someone else. Again, most people don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. I know this, I do, but I still have expectations. I continue to expect people to tell me how they feel. I continue to expect people to be as open and as honest about their feelings as I am. As we all know, expectations lead to disappointment. And that’s exactly how I feel most of the time: disappointed. Besides disappointment, I also feel unfulfilled. I’m constantly confused about the way people feel about me. And I completely get the whole “vibes” thing and sometimes I do rely on my gut. But how reliable is my gut? What if I think someone feels the same and they don’t? What if I overextend how they feel about me? What if I’m telling the world that they really like me and to them, it’s just not that serious? This is why I ask questions. This is why I want to know how people feel. I have quite the problem with setting myself up for disappointment. I’d rather prepare myself or at least try to prepare myself. I’d rather know how someone feels so that I can act or feel accordingly. 

But this typically doesn’t happen. At least not for me. 

I think it’s clear that one of my strengths is also very much so my weakness. 

Yours truly, 

The unfulfilled lesbian who doesn’t let shit go