HELP (something I never ask for)

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m not happy with where I am but have no idea where I want to be. I mean, I know I want to travel the world. I know that I want to be successful. I know that I want a house to call my own. I know that my bucket list expands every day. I know that I want to experience the most out of life. But I don’t know how to make it happen. Oh and did I mention that mediocrity and I don’t get along? My goals are unlike others. I don’t dream of being settled in a career or being married with kids by a certain age. I don’t dream of cookie cutter houses and white picket fences. I don’t jump at the idea of a 9 to 5 job. However, I do jump at the idea of not working and spending a complete year of my life traveling. But tricks are for kids and thousands of dollars isn’t going to appear in my wallet tomorrow morning so there goes that. No but seriously, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT AM I PASSIONATE ABOUT? WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY? I’ll tell you what though; I do have a pipe dream. I want to be well-known. Not 1.2 million followers on Instagram known but maybe like 500k? I want to be known for these blogs that I write, for the conversations I have with people, for the knowledge that I spread. Am I the lightest bulb in the tanning bed (movie [Juno] reference)? Absolutely not. And do I know everything there is to know about women and gender studies? Absolutely not. But I think I know more than your average Jo (I’ll keep the E out just because I hate how gendered our language is). I think that I may just have some insight to provide to my friends who may not know the difference between a transgender and a transsexual. Or I may have some insight in regards to sexism. Or ageism. Or sizeism (yes, this is a thing).

Side note (a result of my mind running a mile a minute): whenever I write, my mom always asks if I came up with it off the top of my head. She pretty much wants to know how long it takes me to think of these blog posts, to formulate the ideas. I always tell her that yes, it comes off the top of my head and no, it doesn’t take me very long at all. Talking about race, class, and gender comes naturally to me. This is how I know that it’s my passion. I guess the issue that I’m having with it is: HOW DO I APPLY IT? I highly doubt Indeed has job posts for people like me.

But another issue that I have? MOTIVATION. I’m always passionate about gender issues but am not always motivated to write blogs or to read on the subject matter or to do anything at all. How is this going to take me anywhere if I’m lazy? If I half ass it?

I’m not sure how entertaining this blog post is going to be and I’m not sure if it’s relatable but writing is my favorite way to vent. So, here it is.

Conclusion? Moral of the story?

I am my own worst enemy.

Yours truly,

The soul-searching lesbian

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