I need a day off from thinking. I think from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. My mind is full of questions. It wanders off into the darkest parts of my soul. I think of everything that can go wrong. I think of heartache, the past, and life’s struggles. I think of being abandoned by the one I love. I think of all of the places I haven’t seen and all of the places I won’t get the chance to see. I think of everything I haven’t done. I think of the sports I didn’t play, the grades I didn’t get, and even the classes I didn’t take. I think of the house I may never be able to afford and the life I may never be able to live. I think of the beginning and the end, never what comes in between. I think the beginning is the best and the end is the worst. The beginning is fresh and exciting while the end is painful and relentless. The problem with my thinking is it is not focused on the current moment. I’m either living in the past or looking forward to the future. I’m focusing on all of the pain associated with the past and all of the happiness associated with the future. I have to stop thinking in these terms or I’ll never be happy. I’ll never cherish the moment. I’ll continue to drive myself crazy, to ask questions I don’t need to ask, and to think thoughts that will only cause trouble. I have to stop myself. I have to take control of my hyperactive mind and just live!
Now is probably a good time to start meditating. I shouldn’t have waited this long.
The lesbian who thinks too damn much
“A paradox is a self contradictory statement or situation. It’s a logical process, in which the facts appear to be opposed to themselves.”
Example that I found online: “Nobody goes to that restaurant, it’s too crowded.”
“An extremist is a person who holds extreme or fanatical political or religious views, especially one who resorts to or advocates extreme action.”
Besides calling myself a walking, talking paradox because of a Facebook post I saw years ago, I’ve also considered myself an extremist. This idea also originated in my mind a few years ago and came from a Joe Budden lyric. And last but not least, I’ve had someone tell me that I’ll never be satisfied. For whatever reason, I’m constantly thinking about me. I don’t why I started that sentence with, “for whatever reason.” I guess it just felt right. Anyways, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out who I am. And sure, I think about the future and tangible things like a house of my own. I also think about non-tangible things like marriage and a family. And yes, I’m referring to those things as non-tangible because we can’t touch love and that’s the core of a happy marriage and a happy family. But most of my thoughts are geared towards who am I as a person? What does Evelyn like? What does she dislike? What makes her happy? What makes her sad? (This question is far more easier to answer than the first). How does she deal with stress? What are her flaws? Her weaknesses? All I’m trying to do is get to know me. I want to be able to describe me far better than my mom does. I wanna know me better than anyone else does. But I’m a difficult woman to read. So difficult that I actually can’t read myself. I don’t think this was the point behind this blog post. But I have a shit load of thoughts and it’s difficult for me to continuously think about one. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for me to figure out just who I am because focusing on one thing at a time for a long period of time is challenging.
I started this blog motivated and completely ready to tackle a specific topic. But I guess I exhausted myself. I think I’ll take a nap now.
The ranting lesbian
I was having a conversion with my aunt in the middle of Anthropologie and she asked me, “what’s one word that describes me?” The word that she chose for herself was resilient and the word that I chose for her was fixed. She then went on to say that she didn’t like the F or X in the word “fixed.” Then and there, I should’ve used the word, “selective” or “picky” or maybe even “annoying” to describe her (love you too <3). I obviously asked her to describe me using one word and she initially chose the word powerful. Later on, she changed this and chose the word “mindful.” She said that that’s the word she’s going to stick with because I immediately smiled when she said it. I thought to myself, “Sabrina would be so proud!” I was intrigued by this question, as I’m intrigued by many other questions, and decided to text a few individuals. My text read: “one word to describe yourself?” These were the answers I received:
And last but certainly not least, extra.
What do you think upon reading these responses? Do you think it’s possible to describe the intricacies of our personalities using one word? Does your word encompass you as a whole or simply a part of you? Are you helpful in most, if not all, situations? Are you bubbly in most, if not all, situations? Would your closest friends and family describe you this way as well? Does it matter? Limiting our personalities to one word may be silly but I think that the point of this question is to help us begin or continue the self-reflection process. This is certainly one of my favorite questions and if it’s yours, ask as many people as possible and see what answers you get. See if this question sparks an excellent conversation between you and a friend. See if this question teaches you something about someone you may not have known beforehand. But most importantly, think about you. Always think about you.
The mindful lesbian