24 in 24 

I’m turning 24 years old in 24 hours… ish. 23 was an important year and I’d probably say it was the best year of my life. Here’s 24 reasons why: 

1) August 11, 2016 – my girlfriend treated me to a delicious meal at a REAL steakhouse #notoutback 😉 


2) I went to my first baseball game. The Mets lost, of course 😂


3) Volunteered at Global Citizen Festival for the first time. Thank you, Patrick! 


4) Witnessed one of my girlfriend’s dreams come true: she met her FAVORITE artist! 


5) Saw Beyoncé for the SECOND time that year! 


6) Completed my first Tough Mudder 💪🏼 


7) Visited Austin, TX for the first time. 


8) Went skydiving for the first time! 


9) Visited Canada for the first time and spent New Years in Montreal. 


10) Learned how to ski at Whiteface Mountain! Thank you, Kyle from ORDA, for organizing an amazing trip for us.

 

11) Went skiing for the SECOND time on Valentine’s Day. 


12) Went skiing for the THIRD time, this time at Mountain Creek. 


13) Seen and listened to two of my favorite women talk at BMCC, Chelsea Handler and Gloria Steinem. 


14) On our way to a two-week vacation in California! 

15) Fell in love with Palm Springs and San Jacinto State Park.

 

16) Came to the realization that Joshua Tree is my favorite national park thus far. 


17) Went camping for the very first time (that little, orange tent is ours). 


18) Hurt my neck looking up at the sequoias in Sequoia National Park. 


19) Enjoyed the picturesque Mesquite Flat Sand Dunes in Death Valley National Park. 


20) Unexpectedly spent time in Las Vegas with my family from LA. 


21) Met my favorite spoken word artist, Rudy Francisco. 


22) Started rock climbing. Thank you, Brooklyn Boulders! Looking forward to becoming a #beast 💪🏼


23) Seen my favorite artist, J. Cole. 


24) And last but not least, here a few people that make every day worth it. 


I’m looking forward to 24 being just as full of adventure as 23 was. I want to learn more about myself, the ones I love, and life. I want to continue falling in love with nature, CMG, and new experiences. I want to be myself wholeheartedly. I want to be honest with myself and those around me. I want to live every day like it’s my last. 

And for those reading this, live your best life. Make a bucket list, make a list of what makes you happy and do it! If money is a problem, start a lemonade stand, start a GoFundMe, or wait until you have the money in place to make your dreams come true. It’ll be worth it when you’re telling your grandkids how much fun you had in your 20s. 😉 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who wants to live life to its fullest on her birthday and the other 364 days of the year 

My favorite example of love. 

I’ve been a romantic all my life and I’ve thought about, dreamt about, and talked about my ideal love. I fantasized about how they would make me feel, what they would say, and how happy they’d make me. My friends and I spent hours talking about our examples of love. As much as I wanted it, I wasn’t sure if it existed. I thought, maybe my expectations are too high and I’m living in a fantasy world. 

Then, you came along. 

You came along and made it feel like there was electricity flowing through my body. 

You came along and I stopped caring about how awkward it is to stare at someone. 

From the time we are children, we’re told that staring at someone is rude. But I can’t help but to stare at you. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness when your eyes meet mine. I’ve even thought, “If I stare too long, I may start to cry.” 

This made me realize that tears of joy are real. And I’m almost certain that this is how you feel.  
You said I don’t write any “good” blogs in terms of good feelings. Well, here it is. 

Even when you’re away, I can feel you right here.  

Yours truly, 

The lesbian 

Society keeps breaking my heart. 

The uncertainty of it breaks my heart. Sabrina would tell me to stop tripping, to be present, and to hope for the best. She’d tell me to stop worrying so much about the future. But I’m here to share my fears with others, let them know that they are not alone, and also bring awareness to others. 

Awareness of how hard it is to be a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record; this is a topic that I cover often. But unfortunately, it continues to be a relevant one. 

I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that it sucks to CONVINCE other women that being with a woman is perfectly ok and actually feels really good. I’ve been trying to accept, fully understand, and wrap my head around this statement: “sexuality is fluid.” I realize that it is and I’d hate to bash bisexuals like the rest of the world does. But goddamn, this sucks. It sucks to want to marry a woman, have a family with her, and start a life with her, but never be sure if she’d be WILLING to do so. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that women DO get married and have long, healthy marriages the same way heterosexual couples do. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that two women can raise a child without the child growing up to be gay, different, confused, or whatever else people may think will transpire. I hate loving a woman and thinking to myself, “Am I enough? Will she leave me for a man one day?” I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but I feel pressured to do everything and anything in my power to keep a woman happy even if it means sacrificing my own happiness or putting my needs on the back burner. I’m constantly trying to be different from a man in hopes that it’ll be enough to keep a woman. I repeatedly think to myself, “Well, if I treat her better than most men have in the past, she’ll want to stay with me.” But then doubt enters my mind and that statement is followed by a, “….right?” And then I think, “WRONG!” I worry that one day she’ll want to live a “normal” life. She’ll want to have a normal family: a man, a woman, and a kid. She’ll want to have a normal wedding. A man and his groomsmen on one side of the alter and a woman and her bridesmaids on the other. 

My heart races as I write this. 

It races because I’m afraid. 

Afraid that I won’t be enough. 

Afraid that I won’t convince her to live an “abnormal” life. 

Afraid that I’ll always lose the love of my life to society’s standards. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who worries as if it’s her full-time job 

Same love 

I was deeply hurt over this past weekend. It wasn’t one particular person that hurt me and I wasn’t mad at anyone. But I was hurt in the way that I could’ve started crying at any given moment. And I did cry. A lot. I cried in my car. I cried in the shower. I even cried in front of my little sister which is something that I’ve probably done only a handful of times. I was so desperately trying to figure out why I was hurt. Where was all of this pain coming from? I eventually figured it out. I was hurt by the world. The world’s, or should I say society’s, perception of being gay is what hurt me. I realized that being straight really is easier. If I were a man, my girlfriend and I would never get looked at or questioned after sharing a kiss in public. We could hold hands in public without others’ eyes diverting downwards when they pass us on the street. We could show affection in public without men thinking it’s “hot” or an open invitation to come home with us. 

Being straight is easier. 

Straight people don’t ever have to sit their parents down and tell them, “I’m straight.” It’s already assumed that they are unless they dress “differently” or talk “differently.” You know, because all gay people dress a certain way. Feminine lesbians? Unheard of! Unless of course one is feminine and another is butch in which case the feminine one will probably get questioned more often. People have to figure out just how feminity and sexuality go hand in hand. How could a woman be feminine and be gay? IT’S POSSIBLE. 

So like I was saying, being straight is easier. There is no, “I’m going to tell my parents soon” or “I don’t know how to tell my family.” Coming out to your family and friends usually causes anxiety. You’re afraid of how they’re going to react. Oh and be ready for the same ole questions. 

Here’s a list: 

“Well, what about grandchildren?” 

“Have you always been gay?” 

“How do you guys.. You know?” 

“What about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?” 

“Did something happen to you?” (This is the question asked when people think trauma has something to do with one’s sexuality. LOL.) 

“So, are you fully gay now?” 

“You know that it’s wrong, right?” (God will probably be brought up shortly after.) 

The list goes on and on. 

I was hurt because it’s unfair. It’s unfair that we have to hide who we really are in front of our loved ones. It’s unfair that I have to act like the best friend. It’s unfair that we have to sneak kisses. It’s unfair that I’m the one who can easily be resented. It’s unfair how I can make a woman happier than any guy ever has yet I can only be loved behind closed doors. But what’s really unfair is how, “You’re playing it off so well!” is supposed to be some kind of compliment. That’s the thing: I don’t want to have to play it off. I want the whole world to know that I love you and that you love me. The hashtag #lovewins is cute but clearly, love hasn’t won just yet. 

It’s so unfair.

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who can marry the one she loves in all 50 states but continues to be “less qualified” as another woman’s partner 

  

A Letter to my Future Self.

2015 was one hell of a year to say the least. It isn’t until the end of the year that you realize just how much your life has changed from the beginning of the year. In January of this year, I was not a college graduate. However, I am now. In January of this same year, I had a different job, a different daily routine, and a different mindset. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt yet I continue to have moments of frustrating stagnation. I feel more peaceful than ever before yet I continue to have moments of great nosiness. I feel at ease yet I continue to experience emotional turbulence. And quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m making a promise to myself that 2016 will be a year of less emotional turbulence and more emotional stability. I want to fall in love over and over again, particularly with the same person, yet be able to do the same with myself. I want to love me so much that if I get my heart broken, I can say to myself, “But at least you got you.” I refuse to rely on anyone to bring me happiness yet I am open to people complementing my happiness and perhaps increasing it. In 2016, I will be the best version of me to date. I will continue to speak my mind and continue to be honest while doing so. I will follow my grandma’s advice and “do the right thing” even if it means telling a cashier that they gave me too much change back. I will continue to tell those I love just how much I love them. And I will love strangers too. In 2016, I want to judge less and empathize more. I want to spend as much time as possible with my loved ones yet dedicate an adequate amount of time to me. I want to visit new places and reminisce about old places. I want to spend more time enjoying and appreciating money as opposed to stressing about it yet remain humble and realize that money can never buy happiness. In 2016, I will continue to stand my ground and state my opinions with confidence yet be open-minded enough to appreciate someone doing the same. I will not fight ignorance with ignorance but I will try to provide knowledge in every situation that I can. In 2016, I will learn new things. I’ll learn new things about people, places, and things. In 2016, I want to complain less and appreciate more. I want to find one good thing about every day. I want to embrace the good things and let go of the bad. In 2016, want to cry more tears of joy than tears of pain yet remind myself that it’s okay to cry in painful situations. In 2016, I want to experience change as I did in 2015. I want to find a new hobby, smile about new things, laugh at new jokes, and love in new ways. Never any less though, I always want to love more.

I mean, not in an unrequited love type way but in a love my mom more than ever type way. I want to love more in a love my sister more every day type way. What I mean by I always want to love more is love my girlfriend more than yesterday which seemed unimaginable yesterday type way. Or in a, “I’ve never had a friend love me more than she does,” type way.

You guys get it, don’t you?

Yours truly,

The hippie ass, “love is the answer,” love thy neighbor but doesn’t affiliate herself with any religion, but if love were a religion, she’d be a follower, lesbian

  

Adjustment. 

Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless. 

My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.

The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person. 

It’s just taking me time to adjust. 

Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust. 

   

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust  

Change. 

Ever have one of those, “What’s wrong with me?” days? I’m having one today and I have them more than I’d like to admit. It seems as though every time I come into work, I have something new to talk to Sabrina about. I don’t know if she’s annoyed by me and my problems but I most certainly am. 

Something that my ex said to me right before we broke up seems to haunt me on a daily basis; I think that I mentioned it in a previous blog. She said, “You’ll never be satisfied.” When she said this, I don’t think that she was solely referring to myself in relationships. I’m pretty sure she was referring to my life as a whole. I’m unhappy with this statement but even more unhappy because I know that there’s truth behind it. I tend to focus on the past. I think about how good things were 3 days ago or 3 months ago which prevents me from appreciating what’s happening right now at this very moment. If there’s a change in someone’s behavior over the course of time, I notice it and I usually deem it as a bad thing. “You call me less than you did a few months ago.” “We see each other less than we did a few months ago.” Now the issue is that these thoughts manifest into a complete shit show. If we see each other less than we once did, I’ll probably think that something’s wrong with that. I’ll think that we’re losing something as opposed to gaining something. I’ll think that it means we’re less excited to spend time together. Basically, I’ll think of a bunch of negative things and then I’ll even express them to the person. Expressing myself makes me feel better until the other person is like, “There’s nothing wrong.” That’s when I realize I created a problem that wasn’t there to begin with. 

So I ask myself again, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” 

I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to wake up happy more than I wake up sad. I want to go to sleep content as opposed to going to sleep with a million things on my mind. I want to change. I need to. How do I change? Is it my past that’s affecting my present? Maybe there’s a shit ton of pain that I haven’t dealt with. Maybe it’s because I don’t allow myself to cry as often as I need to. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of experiencing any negative emotions even though they’re a sign that you’re human. 

Ev, you’re human. 

Ev, it’s going to be okay. 

Ev, stop worrying. 

Ev, I love you. 

Yours truly, 

The emotional ass, ain’t even on her period to be this emotional, lesbian 

Perfectly lonely or quantity vs quality, either one works.

Yes, this blog has two titles.

You know, before I start writing, I have A LOT to say. I think about many things at once, but once I start writing, I kind of forget about everything I was thinking about and I end up writing a half-assed blog. It’s half-assed because it isn’t thorough. This blog is going to be thorough.

So, my birthday is coming up. As opposed to experiencing 24 hours of happiness, I usually experience many different emotions and a lot of these emotions are negative. I get really emotional because I have such high expectations which I know is my fault but I think that a lot of us have high expectations on this particular day of the year. Personally, I want to feel an abundance of love. I want to feel as though my birthday is important to people. I want to know that my existence matters. I want people to go above and beyond. But this doesn’t always happen. As a matter of fact, I’m usually unsatisfied and unfulfilled. It’s my fault, I know. I know I’m not being a good Buddhist by attaching such high expectations to my birthday. It’s something that I plan on changing and I plan on changing it with this upcoming birthday.

I’m going to spend most of my birthday by myself. I plan on sleeping in (always a blissful thing to do) and then taking a trip to Brooklyn. I plan on getting a coffee from a nearby coffee shop, going to a bookstore that I found online, and reading for hours. If Mother Nature decides to let the sun come out and play, I’ll read my book on the grass in Brooklyn Bridge Park. Maybe it’s kind of odd to want to spend your birthday like this but I’m really excited. I’m excited to spend time with me on my day. I’m excited to enjoy my existence. I’m excited to not worry about how many people also enjoy my existence. And that leads me to my second title: quantity vs quality.

I complain about the way my mom feels about gift giving all the time, especially around Christmas. She wants to see a lot of presents under the tree. She wants my sister and I to have a lot to open on Christmas morning and she also wants a lot to open on that special day. I try to stress to her that gift giving is about quantity and not about quality. I’d rather get ONE thing that I’ve been wanting for awhile as opposed to getting five things that I can live without. I should stop complaining about this though because I’ve been the same way for awhile. I have valued quality over quantity plenty of times, particularly with friends. This goes back to being emotional on my birthday. I want EVERYONE to know that it’s my birthday and expect EVERYONE to wish me a happy birthday. But why does it matter how many people wish me a happy birthday? This year all that matters is WHO wishes me a happy birthday. I’m going to place more value and express gratitude to those who wish me a happy birthday without a reminder from Instagram. Those who watch the clock and wait until 12 am to wish me a happy birthday. Those who call me and text me. Those birthday wishes are the ones that matter.

Pay attention to the birthday wishes that you receive and remember that quantity is more important than quality. I personally believe that it is better to be wholeheartedly loved by a few rather than insincerely loved by many.

Yours truly,

The trying to be perfectly lonely lesbian

PS: Thank you for the lesson.

My heart is my favorite and least favorite accessory. 

  
Uh yeah, pretty much. 

I’ve been blogging a lot lately because I’ve been feeling a lot lately. Lots of different emotions and lots of thoughts running through my mind. This post, in particular, is about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Personally, I think it’s great for someone to wear their heart on their sleeve and I also think that they’re in the minority. But, coming from a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, it hardly ever feels like a beneficial thing. I’d like to say I feel a lot, but I can’t single myself out. We all feel a lot. We all think a lot. What distinguishes myself from others is that I typically speak about it. If I like you, I want to let you know that I like you. Shit, I’ll let you know that I like you, how much, what I like about you, and the list goes on. I guess problems arise when you expect the same from someone else. Again, most people don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. I know this, I do, but I still have expectations. I continue to expect people to tell me how they feel. I continue to expect people to be as open and as honest about their feelings as I am. As we all know, expectations lead to disappointment. And that’s exactly how I feel most of the time: disappointed. Besides disappointment, I also feel unfulfilled. I’m constantly confused about the way people feel about me. And I completely get the whole “vibes” thing and sometimes I do rely on my gut. But how reliable is my gut? What if I think someone feels the same and they don’t? What if I overextend how they feel about me? What if I’m telling the world that they really like me and to them, it’s just not that serious? This is why I ask questions. This is why I want to know how people feel. I have quite the problem with setting myself up for disappointment. I’d rather prepare myself or at least try to prepare myself. I’d rather know how someone feels so that I can act or feel accordingly. 

But this typically doesn’t happen. At least not for me. 

I think it’s clear that one of my strengths is also very much so my weakness. 

Yours truly, 

The unfulfilled lesbian who doesn’t let shit go

If you think that being a lesbian is easy, you’re dead wrong.

humans of ny lesbian

As with anything else, this Humans of NY post may not resonate with you the way that it resonates with me. Furthermore, it may not resonate with heterosexuals the way in which it resonates with homosexuals. The reason being is because that’s the life that WE live.

Lesbians have to be cautious. Have to be, but most of the time are not. We have to be cautious with the women we’re attracted to and with the women that we fall in love with. Unfortunately, we cannot fall in love with ANY woman. Most of the time all we can do is admire a woman from afar. Why is this? Well, because most women that we interact with are straight women… or so that’s the way that they present themselves to the public. A straight woman can fall head over heels in love with a lesbian which is absolutely bittersweet for the lesbian because guess what? She may never pursue anything with you. Will she think about you for the rest of her life? Absolutely. Will she miss you once she leaves you heartbroken? Absolutely. But she may never be with you. And so we ask the question again, why is this? Well there’s a plethora of reasons. The biggest being that it’s simply more “convenient” to be straight. You don’t have to come out to your family and friends. You don’t have to worry about how you’re going to have kids. You don’t have to explain to your boss that the ring on your finger was given to you by a woman. Basically, that’s just it. Being straight means that you don’t have to explain yourself.

I do feel for the straight woman who has fallen in love with a lesbian. I completely understand that it takes time to tell your family and friends that you’re dating a woman. I completely understand that you aren’t comfortable holding hands and kissing in public all the time. But, how do you think it feels to be on the other side of that? It’s easy to feel as though we’re being hidden and being hidden comes with feelings of not being good enough. It’s frustrating to know that introducing the new man in your life to your family and friends is a no-brainer whereas introducing the new woman in your life is a process. “I’m going to tell her today” or “I’m going to tell him when he’s in a better mood.” You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman is the person who’s making you happy. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman gives you butterflies when she calls you beautiful. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Shouldn’t the way this person makes you feel be the focal point of the conversation as opposed to their gender?

As a lesbian, I sometimes feel inadequate. I feel this way because others say and do things that make lesbians feel inadequate. Sometimes, even the people closest to them make them feel inadequate.

Yours truly,

The adequate according to my terms lesbian