Are you sure you’re straight? 

Maybe this topic is redundant on my blog BUT I keep finding myself in the same situation. Let me explain: 

I had an interaction at work today with a young male who was obviously flirting with me. I proceeded to tell him that I have a girlfriend and he stopped in his tracks as men often do and asked, “So are you a lesbian or are you bi?” Now before I even answered that, I was thinking, “does it matter?” Not because I don’t identify with a particular sexuality but because I JUST informed him that I was in a relationship. Keyword: relationship. Anywho, I told him that I am indeed a lesbian. He then questioned my sexuality by asking if I’ll ever be with a man, so on and so forth. He said, “Well, how can you say never if you don’t know?” I proceeded to ask him if he was sure he was straight. Flabbergasted, he said yes, he knows what he is and knows what he likes. SO HOW IS MY SEXUALITY ANY DIFFERENT, SIR? This opened up a can of worms for me. 

I am absolutely sick and tired of people thinking and/or assuming that a woman’s sexuality is fluid, particularly when she identifies as a lesbian. Now this isn’t to say that sexuality can’t be fluid or that a woman who identifies as a lesbian will ALWAYS identify as a lesbian, but why is it assumed that there’s a possibility I’ll date a man in the future? And this goes back to our heteronormative society that assumes everyone is straight which means straight people don’t have to “come out of the closet” nor are they questioned about their sexuality. If someone identifies as straight, do we ask them, “Have you always been straight? When’d you know? How’d you tell your parents? Are you sure you’re straight?” Those questions are NEVER asked. If someone identifies as straight, particularly men, it is almost offensive if you ask them if they’re sure. A straight man with a fluid sexuality? How dare I even think that? 

This situation also leads me to think that if I were less feminine, men wouldn’t question my sexuality as often as they do. Do I have to wear baggy clothes and have a buzz cut in order to be taken serious? Why is it assumed that a feminine woman is straight? Here’s an FYI, lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. Oh and some of them even wear makeup, heels, dresses, etc. 


And wait, one more thing: STOP THINKING YOU CAN TURN A WOMAN OUT! In fact, if any “turning out” is happening, it’s probably a lesbian turning out a straight woman. 


That goes for Tyga and A$AP Rocky who have lyrics targeting lesbians. Here they are: 

“Car too fast, give a fuck about pedestrians 

And my section less niggas, more lesbians 

Got your bitch, I’m that nigga” – Tyga 

“I be fuckin broads like I be fuckin bored 

Turn a dyke bitch out, have her fuckin boys” – A$AP Rocky 

Did anyone bat an eye when hearing these lyrics? Would someone bat an eye if a mainstream rapper like A$AP Rocky said, “Turn a straight man out, have him fuckin boys”? My guess is that the Internet would go crazy. 

In conclusion, 

Yes, I like women. 

No, I don’t like men. 

No, I won’t like men in the future. 

No, you don’t have a chance. 

Sincerely yours, 

The lesbian who wants to be taken serious 

Gay Pride Month

As I was exiting the subway station this morning, I noticed a TD Bank advertisement that read something along the lines of “celebrate pride month, celebrate pride year.” Once I left the station, the first thing I noticed was American Eagle’s window display for Pride. I then thought to myself, “All of these advertisements, window displays, and rainbow flags are about to come down because June is almost over.” A pretty dismal thought but it’s the reality of it, isn’t it?

The reality of Pride month is just that: it’s a month. For a month, the LGBTQ community feels recognized, accepted, and maybe even loved. But what about the 11 months of the year when rainbow flags aren’t dancing in the wind all over major cities such as NYC? The issue is Pride month is one of the only times of the year that same-sex couples make it to mainstream media. The issue is heterosexual references are everywhere, all the time. I put in my headphones and hear Trey Songz singing about sleeping with women. I change the song and hear SZA singing about sleeping with another woman’s boyfriend. I’m a huge fan of both of these artists; however, I’d love to listen to a song about homosexuals making love. I’d love to go on Instagram and see references to homosexual relationships. Instead I see things like, “Dickpressed: being sad or upset about the lack of dick in your life.” Instead I see things about falling for fuckboys and not being able to stay away from assholes. So, am I following the wrong pages or are heterosexual references EVERYWHERE? I’ve answered my own question.

Maybe I shouldn’t read into these things as much as I do but honestly they’re all reminders of the progress we HAVEN’T made. They’re reminders of the work that needs to be done. They’re reminders that the LGBTQ community continues to be the minority and continues to be treated as such. So thank you for raising your rainbow flags, thank you for the window displays and subway advertisements, BUT there’s 11 other months in the year. I’d like to be noticed then as well.

Sincerely yours,

The analytical, hyper-aware lesbian

Society keeps breaking my heart. 

The uncertainty of it breaks my heart. Sabrina would tell me to stop tripping, to be present, and to hope for the best. She’d tell me to stop worrying so much about the future. But I’m here to share my fears with others, let them know that they are not alone, and also bring awareness to others. 

Awareness of how hard it is to be a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record; this is a topic that I cover often. But unfortunately, it continues to be a relevant one. 

I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that it sucks to CONVINCE other women that being with a woman is perfectly ok and actually feels really good. I’ve been trying to accept, fully understand, and wrap my head around this statement: “sexuality is fluid.” I realize that it is and I’d hate to bash bisexuals like the rest of the world does. But goddamn, this sucks. It sucks to want to marry a woman, have a family with her, and start a life with her, but never be sure if she’d be WILLING to do so. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that women DO get married and have long, healthy marriages the same way heterosexual couples do. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that two women can raise a child without the child growing up to be gay, different, confused, or whatever else people may think will transpire. I hate loving a woman and thinking to myself, “Am I enough? Will she leave me for a man one day?” I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but I feel pressured to do everything and anything in my power to keep a woman happy even if it means sacrificing my own happiness or putting my needs on the back burner. I’m constantly trying to be different from a man in hopes that it’ll be enough to keep a woman. I repeatedly think to myself, “Well, if I treat her better than most men have in the past, she’ll want to stay with me.” But then doubt enters my mind and that statement is followed by a, “….right?” And then I think, “WRONG!” I worry that one day she’ll want to live a “normal” life. She’ll want to have a normal family: a man, a woman, and a kid. She’ll want to have a normal wedding. A man and his groomsmen on one side of the alter and a woman and her bridesmaids on the other. 

My heart races as I write this. 

It races because I’m afraid. 

Afraid that I won’t be enough. 

Afraid that I won’t convince her to live an “abnormal” life. 

Afraid that I’ll always lose the love of my life to society’s standards. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who worries as if it’s her full-time job 

1 out of 365. 

 

What does acting like a girl even mean? Does it mean I have to enjoy wearing heels and have a secret wedding board on Pinterest? Does it mean I have to sit a certain way? Does it mean I have to enjoy cooking and cleaning? Unfortunately, for some people, it does. But, on this #InternationalWomensDay I want both men and women to know that there is no prototype. Every woman is different. While some do enjoy wearing heels, cooking, cleaning, etc., there are also many women who do not. There are women who enjoy wearing baggy clothes, women who don’t shave on a regular basis, women who don’t wear makeup, and the list goes on. These women should not be excluded or thought of as any less than a woman. Women, regardless of their lifestyle preferences, are capable of being successful doctors, lawyers, CEOs, and even the president of the United States. In my opinion, being told to “act like a lady,” is the worst insult ever. 

I always act like a lady because I am one. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who loves women on #InternationalWomensDay and every other day of the year 

Happiness journal. 

  It’s easy to talk about, think about, and harp on the things that upset us. Rather than appreciate our current job, we complain that the pay isn’t enough, that our coworkers suck, or that there’s no room for growth. We don’t give ourselves credit when we get a C+ in a difficult class. Instead, we complain about not getting a higher grade or blame the professor. We’re hardly ever satisfied with the way that we look and make ourselves feel like shit when we eat junk food. But what are the benefits of complaining? What are the benefits of thinking about things that upset us? Doesn’t it make more sense to think about the things that make us happy instead? I think we can all agree that choosing to think happy thoughts is the better option. So, I’m suggesting this: a happiness journal. This happiness journal doesn’t necessary have to be an actual journal, although that’s a good idea. It can be a blog, a note in your phone, an email, etc. Write down EVERY SINGLE THING that makes you happy! Here’s my first list: 

  • Sweatpants 
  • Sweater weather candle from bath and body works 
  • Body wash
  • Loofahs 
  • Milk chocolate trufflelata from Godiva (allow me to change your life with this one) 
  • Stars 
  • Henny and cranberry 
  • 9:30 am (typically) phone calls from my girlfriend 
  • Handwritten notes from my mom 
  • A full tank of gas 
  • Pink lemonade 
  • Laughing with my sister 
  • Almost anything Nike 
  • The smell of laundry 
  • Being warm 

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

When we take the time to think about all of the things that make us happy, we realize that the list goes on and on. If you don’t believe me, start a happiness journal. Whenever you’re feeling sad, angry, frustrated, etc., open up your journal and read your list. If it doesn’t put a smile on your face, read it again until it does. 

Yours truly, 

The tryna be happy all the damn time lesbian 

Writers will understand. 

Wow, I can’t believe I’m writing a blog. When I first started this blog, I was so excited that I wrote two blogs in one day. Now I can’t even think of what to write. But as with many other things in my life, I started to really think about and analyze my lack of writing. Why did I stop writing so frequently? What is my next blog post going to be about? And even now that I am writing, I’m questioning where my desire TO write came from. Is it because I need to vent or is it because I’ve seen Jenny from the L word write? It’s pretty amazing how our brains work. Something as small as a scene from a tv show can cause desire for, a craving for, something or even someone, days later. Anyway, what was I saying? 

Oh yeah, my lack of writing. 

Well, ladies and gents, I think that it’s about these two things: privacy and vulnerability. Being that this is a public blog, I now feel limited with the things that I can and cannot write about. My Instagram is public and the link to my blog is in my bio so things that parents won’t like is just a click away. I’m an open individual. I have very little hair on my tongue especially when it comes to some of the most intimate topics like sex and relationships. But not everyone is like me and that’s something that I should probably start accepting. 

But I need to vent. 

Writers understand. 

There’s something liberating about writing. Your writing doesn’t have to have so much of a filter. It’s about being raw and being authentic. It’s about shedding light on your deepest, darkest secrets and the thoughts that are constantly dancing in your head. But do I want the entire world to know the real me, the completely vulnerable Evelyn? Do I want the entire world to know what causes me pain? Do I want the entire world to know how I feel about the closest people in my life? I don’t think I do.

But I need to vent. 

I need to ramble. 

I need to lay it all on the table.

I can’t keep carrying around this baggage. 

It’s getting heavier and heavier. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian with the heavy load 

Sorry, I had to.

🙂 

If you think that being a lesbian is easy, you’re dead wrong.

humans of ny lesbian

As with anything else, this Humans of NY post may not resonate with you the way that it resonates with me. Furthermore, it may not resonate with heterosexuals the way in which it resonates with homosexuals. The reason being is because that’s the life that WE live.

Lesbians have to be cautious. Have to be, but most of the time are not. We have to be cautious with the women we’re attracted to and with the women that we fall in love with. Unfortunately, we cannot fall in love with ANY woman. Most of the time all we can do is admire a woman from afar. Why is this? Well, because most women that we interact with are straight women… or so that’s the way that they present themselves to the public. A straight woman can fall head over heels in love with a lesbian which is absolutely bittersweet for the lesbian because guess what? She may never pursue anything with you. Will she think about you for the rest of her life? Absolutely. Will she miss you once she leaves you heartbroken? Absolutely. But she may never be with you. And so we ask the question again, why is this? Well there’s a plethora of reasons. The biggest being that it’s simply more “convenient” to be straight. You don’t have to come out to your family and friends. You don’t have to worry about how you’re going to have kids. You don’t have to explain to your boss that the ring on your finger was given to you by a woman. Basically, that’s just it. Being straight means that you don’t have to explain yourself.

I do feel for the straight woman who has fallen in love with a lesbian. I completely understand that it takes time to tell your family and friends that you’re dating a woman. I completely understand that you aren’t comfortable holding hands and kissing in public all the time. But, how do you think it feels to be on the other side of that? It’s easy to feel as though we’re being hidden and being hidden comes with feelings of not being good enough. It’s frustrating to know that introducing the new man in your life to your family and friends is a no-brainer whereas introducing the new woman in your life is a process. “I’m going to tell her today” or “I’m going to tell him when he’s in a better mood.” You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman is the person who’s making you happy. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman gives you butterflies when she calls you beautiful. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Shouldn’t the way this person makes you feel be the focal point of the conversation as opposed to their gender?

As a lesbian, I sometimes feel inadequate. I feel this way because others say and do things that make lesbians feel inadequate. Sometimes, even the people closest to them make them feel inadequate.

Yours truly,

The adequate according to my terms lesbian

Mutuality? 

Is there a such thing as mutuality in relationships? Do things need to be 50/50 in order for both parties to be completely satisfied? COMPLETELY satisfied? Does 60/40 make the cut? Am I looking for someone to do just as much as I do? Or someone to do just a little more than what they’re currently doing? Are my standards too high? Do I need to change? Will I ever be completely safisfied? Will any of us ever be completely satisfied in our relationships or will we always want more? 

It’s so easy for me to be thoughtful. It’s easy for me to buy someone a gift, a thoughtful gift. It’s easy for me to surprise someone with flowers or an edible arrangement. BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SURPRISE? I want love letters mailed to my house. Or even a card. A just because card. I’d prefer a just because gift or gesture as opposed to receiving a gift on my birthday. I expect a gift on my birthday or special occasions in general, but the element of surprise is so enticing. 

I’m sick of feeling as though I do “too much.” I’m sick of feeling as though I go extra hard to win someone’s heart and someone’s trust. Where’s the person who’s gonna go extra hard to win MY heart? MY trust? Do I give my heart too easily? Do I need to start playing hard to get? Acting cold hearted? It’s just not me. I’m not one to play games. I’m not one to be petty. That doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to play games or be petty BUT I’d rather not be. I’d rather be honest, open, and genuine with others. But I also wanna get what I want. 

I’m a caretaker. I enjoy learning about what makes others happy and what makes others sad. I enjoy learning about others wants, needs, wishes, desires, etc.  I enjoy learning everything (or almost everything) about a person. I like to get inside people’s minds. But who’s going to get to know me inside and out? Does anyone want to know me inside and out? Again, I’m a caretaker. I don’t mind being a caretaker but I can’t say that I’ll be upset if someone wanted to take care of me. 

BLOW UP MY PHONE. 

LEAVE ME VOICEMAILS. 

SURPRISE ME. 

BRING ME FOOD. 

WAIT FOR ME AT HOME. 

ASK ME QUESTIONS. 

GET TO KNOW ME. 

I guess I just want to be taken care of. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who wears her heart on her sleeve  

 

Social media politics 

This is and has been a thing for quite some time. How about we take it back to MySpace and top 8? The first three spots on your top 8 were the most important, especially the first spot. Who was going to take that number one spot? Was it going to be your boyfriend/girlfriend? Your best friend? What if you had multiple best friends? Although it’s JUST MySpace and it’s JUST a top 8, we let it define our relationships with others. While your number one friend on MySpace feels great to have “earned” that spot, the rest of your friends are pissed, especially if one of those friends has you as their number one friend on their top 8. For some reason, the real life connection between you and your friends didn’t matter the moment that you chose your top 8. Okay, but who uses MySpace anymore? We’ll move on to Facebook. I currently do not have a Facebook so I am unaware of all of its politics, but I do have something to speak on: your relationship status. Oh no silly, not your REAL relationship status. Your Facebook relationship status. Why would I care if you’re in a relationship in real life? What matters is if you’re in a relationship on Facebook. And if you are in a real relationship but your status on Facebook is single, YOU ARE IN TROUBLE. How could you not change it? How could you not claim your boyfriend/girlfriend to all of your Facebook friends? What, are you embarrassed? You don’t want your high school friends to know that you’re in a relationship? All of a sudden, someone’s cheating. Wait… WHAT? EXACTLY! These are the conversations between people in relationships. Conversations that are dictated by and a result of social media. Shall we move onto Instagram now? You BETTER have pictures of you and your significant other EVERYWHERE. Man crush Monday? Woman crush Wednesday? Throwback Thursday to our first Christmas? Flashback Friday to our first New Years? I want it all. And if I don’t get it, it will be a conversation and it won’t be a good one. Readers, you know I’m right. We’re all guilty of it. We’re guilty of wanting to be someone’s man crush Monday #mcm or woman crush Wednesday #wcw. We’re guilty of wanting our partner to immediately change their relationship status on Facebook. We’re guilty of jumping for joy at the sight of being in someone’s top 8, especially that number one spot. It’s almost natural for us to react in these ways. It’s almost as though we cannot help BUT to feel this way. We have to help ourselves. If your relationship is good, let it be good. Do not ruin it by constantly arguing with your partner about social media. There’s better things to argue about like what’s for dinner and what to do on Sunday fun day. 

Take a step back next time you find yourself allowing what’s behind a screen to dictate your emotions. 

Yours truly,

The lesbian who’s Instagram is @evelynandreaxo 

Follow me 😉

LOL 

  

HELP (something I never ask for)

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m not happy with where I am but have no idea where I want to be. I mean, I know I want to travel the world. I know that I want to be successful. I know that I want a house to call my own. I know that my bucket list expands every day. I know that I want to experience the most out of life. But I don’t know how to make it happen. Oh and did I mention that mediocrity and I don’t get along? My goals are unlike others. I don’t dream of being settled in a career or being married with kids by a certain age. I don’t dream of cookie cutter houses and white picket fences. I don’t jump at the idea of a 9 to 5 job. However, I do jump at the idea of not working and spending a complete year of my life traveling. But tricks are for kids and thousands of dollars isn’t going to appear in my wallet tomorrow morning so there goes that. No but seriously, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? WHAT AM I PASSIONATE ABOUT? WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY? I’ll tell you what though; I do have a pipe dream. I want to be well-known. Not 1.2 million followers on Instagram known but maybe like 500k? I want to be known for these blogs that I write, for the conversations I have with people, for the knowledge that I spread. Am I the lightest bulb in the tanning bed (movie [Juno] reference)? Absolutely not. And do I know everything there is to know about women and gender studies? Absolutely not. But I think I know more than your average Jo (I’ll keep the E out just because I hate how gendered our language is). I think that I may just have some insight to provide to my friends who may not know the difference between a transgender and a transsexual. Or I may have some insight in regards to sexism. Or ageism. Or sizeism (yes, this is a thing).

Side note (a result of my mind running a mile a minute): whenever I write, my mom always asks if I came up with it off the top of my head. She pretty much wants to know how long it takes me to think of these blog posts, to formulate the ideas. I always tell her that yes, it comes off the top of my head and no, it doesn’t take me very long at all. Talking about race, class, and gender comes naturally to me. This is how I know that it’s my passion. I guess the issue that I’m having with it is: HOW DO I APPLY IT? I highly doubt Indeed has job posts for people like me.

But another issue that I have? MOTIVATION. I’m always passionate about gender issues but am not always motivated to write blogs or to read on the subject matter or to do anything at all. How is this going to take me anywhere if I’m lazy? If I half ass it?

I’m not sure how entertaining this blog post is going to be and I’m not sure if it’s relatable but writing is my favorite way to vent. So, here it is.

Conclusion? Moral of the story?

I am my own worst enemy.

Yours truly,

The soul-searching lesbian

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