Society keeps breaking my heart. 

The uncertainty of it breaks my heart. Sabrina would tell me to stop tripping, to be present, and to hope for the best. She’d tell me to stop worrying so much about the future. But I’m here to share my fears with others, let them know that they are not alone, and also bring awareness to others. 

Awareness of how hard it is to be a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record; this is a topic that I cover often. But unfortunately, it continues to be a relevant one. 

I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that it sucks to CONVINCE other women that being with a woman is perfectly ok and actually feels really good. I’ve been trying to accept, fully understand, and wrap my head around this statement: “sexuality is fluid.” I realize that it is and I’d hate to bash bisexuals like the rest of the world does. But goddamn, this sucks. It sucks to want to marry a woman, have a family with her, and start a life with her, but never be sure if she’d be WILLING to do so. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that women DO get married and have long, healthy marriages the same way heterosexual couples do. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that two women can raise a child without the child growing up to be gay, different, confused, or whatever else people may think will transpire. I hate loving a woman and thinking to myself, “Am I enough? Will she leave me for a man one day?” I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but I feel pressured to do everything and anything in my power to keep a woman happy even if it means sacrificing my own happiness or putting my needs on the back burner. I’m constantly trying to be different from a man in hopes that it’ll be enough to keep a woman. I repeatedly think to myself, “Well, if I treat her better than most men have in the past, she’ll want to stay with me.” But then doubt enters my mind and that statement is followed by a, “….right?” And then I think, “WRONG!” I worry that one day she’ll want to live a “normal” life. She’ll want to have a normal family: a man, a woman, and a kid. She’ll want to have a normal wedding. A man and his groomsmen on one side of the alter and a woman and her bridesmaids on the other. 

My heart races as I write this. 

It races because I’m afraid. 

Afraid that I won’t be enough. 

Afraid that I won’t convince her to live an “abnormal” life. 

Afraid that I’ll always lose the love of my life to society’s standards. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who worries as if it’s her full-time job 

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When did you come out the closet?

How long have you been straight for? Were you born straight? How do your parents feel about you being straight? Have you ever considered being with someone of the same sex? No? Why not? These questions are bizarre, aren’t they? Have you ever heard these questions be asked? I’m going to make the assumption that many of you have not. Because you probably haven’t heard these questions be asked to someone, you probably have never considered why. Why don’t we ask people these questions? Because everyone’s straight, right? WRONG! Those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc., are constantly asked these questions. Everyone is, or at least seems to be interested, in our “coming out story.” And don’t get me wrong, I’d love to answer each and every one of your questions, but what if I asked you, a straight individual, the same questions? Would you take offense to it? Would you think I’m odd? Shit, you probably already do think I’m odd.

I know, I know. You’re going to feed me that, “You’re not odd. I accept gay people,” bullshit. Yes, it’s bullshit. And yes, I’m angry. The best way I can put this is: we live in a society that prides itself on being open-minded yet we are completely close-minded. We accept gay people, but we still think it’s unnatural. We understand that she identifies herself as a lesbian, but we’re still going to tell her that she hasn’t found the right guy yet. We understand that she identifies herself as a lesbian, but we’re still going to ask her if she’d ever consider being with a guy. Well let’s see my straight female friend, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING WITH A WOMAN? And to my straight male friend, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING WITH A MAN? Let me guess, you’re offended. It’s because no one has ever questioned your sexuality. Why? Because your sexuality is “normal.”

Homosexuality used to be a mental illness in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (psyc people know what I’m talking about). Although they removed it many years ago, homosexuals are still treated as though they are “diseased.” I’m so dramatic, aren’t I? No, I’m not. Because if you’re telling me that I just need to find the right man, you’re also telling me that being with a man is a cure. A cure to my lesbianism.

My sexuality IS natural. I naturally love women. I adore women the same way that straight men adore women. Now stop questioning my sexuality before I start questioning yours.

Yours truly,

The angry lesbian.

gay af