Same love 

I was deeply hurt over this past weekend. It wasn’t one particular person that hurt me and I wasn’t mad at anyone. But I was hurt in the way that I could’ve started crying at any given moment. And I did cry. A lot. I cried in my car. I cried in the shower. I even cried in front of my little sister which is something that I’ve probably done only a handful of times. I was so desperately trying to figure out why I was hurt. Where was all of this pain coming from? I eventually figured it out. I was hurt by the world. The world’s, or should I say society’s, perception of being gay is what hurt me. I realized that being straight really is easier. If I were a man, my girlfriend and I would never get looked at or questioned after sharing a kiss in public. We could hold hands in public without others’ eyes diverting downwards when they pass us on the street. We could show affection in public without men thinking it’s “hot” or an open invitation to come home with us. 

Being straight is easier. 

Straight people don’t ever have to sit their parents down and tell them, “I’m straight.” It’s already assumed that they are unless they dress “differently” or talk “differently.” You know, because all gay people dress a certain way. Feminine lesbians? Unheard of! Unless of course one is feminine and another is butch in which case the feminine one will probably get questioned more often. People have to figure out just how feminity and sexuality go hand in hand. How could a woman be feminine and be gay? IT’S POSSIBLE. 

So like I was saying, being straight is easier. There is no, “I’m going to tell my parents soon” or “I don’t know how to tell my family.” Coming out to your family and friends usually causes anxiety. You’re afraid of how they’re going to react. Oh and be ready for the same ole questions. 

Here’s a list: 

“Well, what about grandchildren?” 

“Have you always been gay?” 

“How do you guys.. You know?” 

“What about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?” 

“Did something happen to you?” (This is the question asked when people think trauma has something to do with one’s sexuality. LOL.) 

“So, are you fully gay now?” 

“You know that it’s wrong, right?” (God will probably be brought up shortly after.) 

The list goes on and on. 

I was hurt because it’s unfair. It’s unfair that we have to hide who we really are in front of our loved ones. It’s unfair that I have to act like the best friend. It’s unfair that we have to sneak kisses. It’s unfair that I’m the one who can easily be resented. It’s unfair how I can make a woman happier than any guy ever has yet I can only be loved behind closed doors. But what’s really unfair is how, “You’re playing it off so well!” is supposed to be some kind of compliment. That’s the thing: I don’t want to have to play it off. I want the whole world to know that I love you and that you love me. The hashtag #lovewins is cute but clearly, love hasn’t won just yet. 

It’s so unfair.

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who can marry the one she loves in all 50 states but continues to be “less qualified” as another woman’s partner 

  

A Letter to my Future Self.

2015 was one hell of a year to say the least. It isn’t until the end of the year that you realize just how much your life has changed from the beginning of the year. In January of this year, I was not a college graduate. However, I am now. In January of this same year, I had a different job, a different daily routine, and a different mindset. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt yet I continue to have moments of frustrating stagnation. I feel more peaceful than ever before yet I continue to have moments of great nosiness. I feel at ease yet I continue to experience emotional turbulence. And quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m making a promise to myself that 2016 will be a year of less emotional turbulence and more emotional stability. I want to fall in love over and over again, particularly with the same person, yet be able to do the same with myself. I want to love me so much that if I get my heart broken, I can say to myself, “But at least you got you.” I refuse to rely on anyone to bring me happiness yet I am open to people complementing my happiness and perhaps increasing it. In 2016, I will be the best version of me to date. I will continue to speak my mind and continue to be honest while doing so. I will follow my grandma’s advice and “do the right thing” even if it means telling a cashier that they gave me too much change back. I will continue to tell those I love just how much I love them. And I will love strangers too. In 2016, I want to judge less and empathize more. I want to spend as much time as possible with my loved ones yet dedicate an adequate amount of time to me. I want to visit new places and reminisce about old places. I want to spend more time enjoying and appreciating money as opposed to stressing about it yet remain humble and realize that money can never buy happiness. In 2016, I will continue to stand my ground and state my opinions with confidence yet be open-minded enough to appreciate someone doing the same. I will not fight ignorance with ignorance but I will try to provide knowledge in every situation that I can. In 2016, I will learn new things. I’ll learn new things about people, places, and things. In 2016, I want to complain less and appreciate more. I want to find one good thing about every day. I want to embrace the good things and let go of the bad. In 2016, want to cry more tears of joy than tears of pain yet remind myself that it’s okay to cry in painful situations. In 2016, I want to experience change as I did in 2015. I want to find a new hobby, smile about new things, laugh at new jokes, and love in new ways. Never any less though, I always want to love more.

I mean, not in an unrequited love type way but in a love my mom more than ever type way. I want to love more in a love my sister more every day type way. What I mean by I always want to love more is love my girlfriend more than yesterday which seemed unimaginable yesterday type way. Or in a, “I’ve never had a friend love me more than she does,” type way.

You guys get it, don’t you?

Yours truly,

The hippie ass, “love is the answer,” love thy neighbor but doesn’t affiliate herself with any religion, but if love were a religion, she’d be a follower, lesbian

  

Adjustment. 

Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless. 

My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.

The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person. 

It’s just taking me time to adjust. 

Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust. 

   

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust  

Change. 

Ever have one of those, “What’s wrong with me?” days? I’m having one today and I have them more than I’d like to admit. It seems as though every time I come into work, I have something new to talk to Sabrina about. I don’t know if she’s annoyed by me and my problems but I most certainly am. 

Something that my ex said to me right before we broke up seems to haunt me on a daily basis; I think that I mentioned it in a previous blog. She said, “You’ll never be satisfied.” When she said this, I don’t think that she was solely referring to myself in relationships. I’m pretty sure she was referring to my life as a whole. I’m unhappy with this statement but even more unhappy because I know that there’s truth behind it. I tend to focus on the past. I think about how good things were 3 days ago or 3 months ago which prevents me from appreciating what’s happening right now at this very moment. If there’s a change in someone’s behavior over the course of time, I notice it and I usually deem it as a bad thing. “You call me less than you did a few months ago.” “We see each other less than we did a few months ago.” Now the issue is that these thoughts manifest into a complete shit show. If we see each other less than we once did, I’ll probably think that something’s wrong with that. I’ll think that we’re losing something as opposed to gaining something. I’ll think that it means we’re less excited to spend time together. Basically, I’ll think of a bunch of negative things and then I’ll even express them to the person. Expressing myself makes me feel better until the other person is like, “There’s nothing wrong.” That’s when I realize I created a problem that wasn’t there to begin with. 

So I ask myself again, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” 

I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to wake up happy more than I wake up sad. I want to go to sleep content as opposed to going to sleep with a million things on my mind. I want to change. I need to. How do I change? Is it my past that’s affecting my present? Maybe there’s a shit ton of pain that I haven’t dealt with. Maybe it’s because I don’t allow myself to cry as often as I need to. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of experiencing any negative emotions even though they’re a sign that you’re human. 

Ev, you’re human. 

Ev, it’s going to be okay. 

Ev, stop worrying. 

Ev, I love you. 

Yours truly, 

The emotional ass, ain’t even on her period to be this emotional, lesbian 

Writers will understand. 

Wow, I can’t believe I’m writing a blog. When I first started this blog, I was so excited that I wrote two blogs in one day. Now I can’t even think of what to write. But as with many other things in my life, I started to really think about and analyze my lack of writing. Why did I stop writing so frequently? What is my next blog post going to be about? And even now that I am writing, I’m questioning where my desire TO write came from. Is it because I need to vent or is it because I’ve seen Jenny from the L word write? It’s pretty amazing how our brains work. Something as small as a scene from a tv show can cause desire for, a craving for, something or even someone, days later. Anyway, what was I saying? 

Oh yeah, my lack of writing. 

Well, ladies and gents, I think that it’s about these two things: privacy and vulnerability. Being that this is a public blog, I now feel limited with the things that I can and cannot write about. My Instagram is public and the link to my blog is in my bio so things that parents won’t like is just a click away. I’m an open individual. I have very little hair on my tongue especially when it comes to some of the most intimate topics like sex and relationships. But not everyone is like me and that’s something that I should probably start accepting. 

But I need to vent. 

Writers understand. 

There’s something liberating about writing. Your writing doesn’t have to have so much of a filter. It’s about being raw and being authentic. It’s about shedding light on your deepest, darkest secrets and the thoughts that are constantly dancing in your head. But do I want the entire world to know the real me, the completely vulnerable Evelyn? Do I want the entire world to know what causes me pain? Do I want the entire world to know how I feel about the closest people in my life? I don’t think I do.

But I need to vent. 

I need to ramble. 

I need to lay it all on the table.

I can’t keep carrying around this baggage. 

It’s getting heavier and heavier. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian with the heavy load 

Sorry, I had to.

🙂 

Money. 

Ah, what to say about money?  

For starters, I do believe that money is the root of all evil. At the end of the day, money is what matters to most people. Not love, not family, not friends. People kill people for money. I’m not gonna list all of the fucked up things people do for money because that’s not what this blog is about but please keep in mind that people do ALOT of fucked up shit for money. 

I didn’t grow up with money. Have I always had a roof over my head and clothes on my back? Absolutely. But have I experienced what it’s like to have the electric cut off? Yes. Have I went to sleep hungry? Yes. As a matter of fact, I went to sleep hungry last night. I haven’t had it as bad as some people but I also haven’t had it as good as others. It’s unfortunate and at times I do feel bad for myself but I also feel as though it has shaped me into the person I am today. I don’t care about name brands nor am I ashamed to say I don’t have the fancy shit that other people have. I don’t have a dozen name brand bags. I don’t drive a Mercedes, BMW, or Lexus. I don’t make six figures a year. I don’t have name brand shoes (besides my sneakers). I don’t have expensive jewelry. I don’t really have anything that’s expensive now that I think about it. But you know what? I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything. I could care less about a Louis Vuitton (definitely searched for the correct spelling on Google) bag. I could care less about a pair of Red Bottom shoes. It doesn’t bother me that most of my jewelry is fake or that I didn’t go to an Ivy League school. I don’t make a crazy amount of money every year. Shit, I don’t even have health insurance. But material things don’t materialize to a better you. I’d rather be a good person, an honest person, someone who’s wise and caring and thoughtful than someone who’s miserable with a shitload of money in the bank and “Dr.” in front of their name. I’d rather have fun watching movies with my loved ones on my $9.99/month Netflix account than be miserable on a yacht with people who claim to love me but really only love me because of my bank statement and reputation. 

With that being said, you can keep your name brand shit. I honestly don’t want it. 

Being a good person is priceless. 

Yours truly, 

The broke and happy lesbian 

   

Lianet, this is for you.

What does happiness look like to you? What does happiness feel like to you? How many happy people do you know? Do you consider yourself a happy person? Happiness is a topic that we love and hate to talk about. We typically love to talk about it because we’re all searching for it but we hate to talk about it because many times we realize that we aren’t happy or at least not as happy as we want to be. But wait, there’s hope! Here is my suggestion to anyone and everyone who comes across this blog:

DEFINE HAPPINESS BY YOUR TERMS.

Is a white picket fence, 2 kids (one boy, one girl), two cars, and a four bedroom house your definition and/or image of happiness or is it society’s image? Is it your mom’s image? Your dad’s? If this image of happiness comes from a source other than your own, RECONSIDER IT! Society will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in the “American Dream.” Instagram will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in the number of followers you have. Twitter will attempt to convince you that happiness is rooted in a retweet and/or favorite from your favorite celebrity. Shit, it doesn’t even have to be your favorite celebrity. If ANY celebrity retweets or favorites your tweet, a smile makes its way across your face. If your Instagram picture gets a minimum of 11 likes, a smile makes its way across your face. If a handful of people wish you a Happy Birthday on Facebook, a smile makes its way across your face. Now I’m not saying that these things can’t make you happy, I’m simply suggesting that you pay attention to your definition of happiness and ask yourself, “Is this my definition of happiness?”

And now a tidbit from my conversion with my best friend, Lianet.

“If you were smoking crack, I’d be like, ‘Is ya’ happy?’ like T.I. and if you express genuine happiness then I’m happy! I’d tell you that you’re fucking up your mind and body BUT IF YOU HAPPY BOO BOO, SMOKE YO CRACK!”

This is an extreme example but you catch my drift 😉

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never stop seeking happiness

My heart is my favorite and least favorite accessory. 

  
Uh yeah, pretty much. 

I’ve been blogging a lot lately because I’ve been feeling a lot lately. Lots of different emotions and lots of thoughts running through my mind. This post, in particular, is about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Personally, I think it’s great for someone to wear their heart on their sleeve and I also think that they’re in the minority. But, coming from a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, it hardly ever feels like a beneficial thing. I’d like to say I feel a lot, but I can’t single myself out. We all feel a lot. We all think a lot. What distinguishes myself from others is that I typically speak about it. If I like you, I want to let you know that I like you. Shit, I’ll let you know that I like you, how much, what I like about you, and the list goes on. I guess problems arise when you expect the same from someone else. Again, most people don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. I know this, I do, but I still have expectations. I continue to expect people to tell me how they feel. I continue to expect people to be as open and as honest about their feelings as I am. As we all know, expectations lead to disappointment. And that’s exactly how I feel most of the time: disappointed. Besides disappointment, I also feel unfulfilled. I’m constantly confused about the way people feel about me. And I completely get the whole “vibes” thing and sometimes I do rely on my gut. But how reliable is my gut? What if I think someone feels the same and they don’t? What if I overextend how they feel about me? What if I’m telling the world that they really like me and to them, it’s just not that serious? This is why I ask questions. This is why I want to know how people feel. I have quite the problem with setting myself up for disappointment. I’d rather prepare myself or at least try to prepare myself. I’d rather know how someone feels so that I can act or feel accordingly. 

But this typically doesn’t happen. At least not for me. 

I think it’s clear that one of my strengths is also very much so my weakness. 

Yours truly, 

The unfulfilled lesbian who doesn’t let shit go

If you think that being a lesbian is easy, you’re dead wrong.

humans of ny lesbian

As with anything else, this Humans of NY post may not resonate with you the way that it resonates with me. Furthermore, it may not resonate with heterosexuals the way in which it resonates with homosexuals. The reason being is because that’s the life that WE live.

Lesbians have to be cautious. Have to be, but most of the time are not. We have to be cautious with the women we’re attracted to and with the women that we fall in love with. Unfortunately, we cannot fall in love with ANY woman. Most of the time all we can do is admire a woman from afar. Why is this? Well, because most women that we interact with are straight women… or so that’s the way that they present themselves to the public. A straight woman can fall head over heels in love with a lesbian which is absolutely bittersweet for the lesbian because guess what? She may never pursue anything with you. Will she think about you for the rest of her life? Absolutely. Will she miss you once she leaves you heartbroken? Absolutely. But she may never be with you. And so we ask the question again, why is this? Well there’s a plethora of reasons. The biggest being that it’s simply more “convenient” to be straight. You don’t have to come out to your family and friends. You don’t have to worry about how you’re going to have kids. You don’t have to explain to your boss that the ring on your finger was given to you by a woman. Basically, that’s just it. Being straight means that you don’t have to explain yourself.

I do feel for the straight woman who has fallen in love with a lesbian. I completely understand that it takes time to tell your family and friends that you’re dating a woman. I completely understand that you aren’t comfortable holding hands and kissing in public all the time. But, how do you think it feels to be on the other side of that? It’s easy to feel as though we’re being hidden and being hidden comes with feelings of not being good enough. It’s frustrating to know that introducing the new man in your life to your family and friends is a no-brainer whereas introducing the new woman in your life is a process. “I’m going to tell her today” or “I’m going to tell him when he’s in a better mood.” You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman is the person who’s making you happy. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman gives you butterflies when she calls you beautiful. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Shouldn’t the way this person makes you feel be the focal point of the conversation as opposed to their gender?

As a lesbian, I sometimes feel inadequate. I feel this way because others say and do things that make lesbians feel inadequate. Sometimes, even the people closest to them make them feel inadequate.

Yours truly,

The adequate according to my terms lesbian

“It always seems impossible until its done.”

It’s been far too long since I’ve written a blog post.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk.

I’m sitting here contemplating how personal I want this blog post to be which makes me think about how often we hide how we’re feeling. It makes me think about the times that we say what we have to say but we don’t say it all. There are times when you have a conversation with someone and you end the conversation feeling relieved, feeling as though you’ve accomplished something. But more often than not, we have conversations in which we walk away with more questions than we started with. I think that openness is a beautiful thing. I want to take a huge leap and say that openness can change the world, it can make the world a better place. What if we laid it all on the table? What if we told everyone we love that we love them? And yes, I’m referring to your new boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest. If you’ve fallen in love with them, say so. If it turns out bad, I give you the permission to blame me. But before you blame me, think of how it feels to have gotten that off your chest. Many times, we “wait for the right time.” The problem with this is that we often don’t know when the right time is. We think to ourselves, “Is 3 months of dating enough?” We think to ourselves, “Are 4 dates enough before I have sex with this person that I wanted to have sex with on the first date?” Hey, guess what? The first date was the right time. Maybe this is the impulsive part of me talking but I’m a firm believer in doing and saying things on your terms. Your terms are the best because they’re yours. You know what’s best for you and only you know what feels right. And I’ve gone completely off topic.

So, down to business. Today is the day I’ve decided to let go of an overly extended chapter of my life. I’m referring to my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago but it officially ended today (at least in my books). For awhile, I had her under my wing. I felt as though I had the upper hand because I ended the relationship, because I was ready to move on… or so I thought. I moved on in the sense that I stopped missing her, stopped feeling as though I needed to constantly talk to her, and got pretty close to putting my feelings before hers (aka posting personal things online where she can readily see them). But, I knew in my heart that I did not move on completely. I knew that the relationship was continuing to weigh me down. While we broke up a year ago, I didn’t feel free, at least not in the way I wanted to. While the shackle around my heart had been loosened, it was still there. As of today, that shackle is no longer there. I cannot continue to live in the past and I encourage everyone who is living in the past to stop immediately. We must realize how much control we have over our thoughts and our feelings. Oftentimes, it seems uncontrollable. “I cannot control how I feel,” is what many of us say. But, the thing is this: you can. If someone or something is constantly causing you pain and heartache, the only way to remove the pain and heartache is to let go of the pain and heartache. This may mean cutting people out or it may mean recognizing how you feel, realizing you no longer want to feel that way, and letting the feeling or thought slip through your fingers and into the wind. This takes incredible mental strength and I applaud everyone who is able to do this. But more importantly, applaud yourself for overcoming mental challenges, for overcoming emotional challenges. These are the hardest challenges to overcome. I’m pretty confident that I’ve overcome the emotional AND mental challenge that my past relationship presented to me. My heart is free. It’s yours to take.

Yours truly,

The shackleless lesbian