Society keeps breaking my heart. 

The uncertainty of it breaks my heart. Sabrina would tell me to stop tripping, to be present, and to hope for the best. She’d tell me to stop worrying so much about the future. But I’m here to share my fears with others, let them know that they are not alone, and also bring awareness to others. 

Awareness of how hard it is to be a lesbian. I may sound like a broken record; this is a topic that I cover often. But unfortunately, it continues to be a relevant one. 

I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that it sucks to CONVINCE other women that being with a woman is perfectly ok and actually feels really good. I’ve been trying to accept, fully understand, and wrap my head around this statement: “sexuality is fluid.” I realize that it is and I’d hate to bash bisexuals like the rest of the world does. But goddamn, this sucks. It sucks to want to marry a woman, have a family with her, and start a life with her, but never be sure if she’d be WILLING to do so. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that women DO get married and have long, healthy marriages the same way heterosexual couples do. I hate feeling as if I have to CONVINCE others that two women can raise a child without the child growing up to be gay, different, confused, or whatever else people may think will transpire. I hate loving a woman and thinking to myself, “Am I enough? Will she leave me for a man one day?” I’m only speaking for myself when I say this, but I feel pressured to do everything and anything in my power to keep a woman happy even if it means sacrificing my own happiness or putting my needs on the back burner. I’m constantly trying to be different from a man in hopes that it’ll be enough to keep a woman. I repeatedly think to myself, “Well, if I treat her better than most men have in the past, she’ll want to stay with me.” But then doubt enters my mind and that statement is followed by a, “….right?” And then I think, “WRONG!” I worry that one day she’ll want to live a “normal” life. She’ll want to have a normal family: a man, a woman, and a kid. She’ll want to have a normal wedding. A man and his groomsmen on one side of the alter and a woman and her bridesmaids on the other. 

My heart races as I write this. 

It races because I’m afraid. 

Afraid that I won’t be enough. 

Afraid that I won’t convince her to live an “abnormal” life. 

Afraid that I’ll always lose the love of my life to society’s standards. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who worries as if it’s her full-time job 

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If you think that being a lesbian is easy, you’re dead wrong.

humans of ny lesbian

As with anything else, this Humans of NY post may not resonate with you the way that it resonates with me. Furthermore, it may not resonate with heterosexuals the way in which it resonates with homosexuals. The reason being is because that’s the life that WE live.

Lesbians have to be cautious. Have to be, but most of the time are not. We have to be cautious with the women we’re attracted to and with the women that we fall in love with. Unfortunately, we cannot fall in love with ANY woman. Most of the time all we can do is admire a woman from afar. Why is this? Well, because most women that we interact with are straight women… or so that’s the way that they present themselves to the public. A straight woman can fall head over heels in love with a lesbian which is absolutely bittersweet for the lesbian because guess what? She may never pursue anything with you. Will she think about you for the rest of her life? Absolutely. Will she miss you once she leaves you heartbroken? Absolutely. But she may never be with you. And so we ask the question again, why is this? Well there’s a plethora of reasons. The biggest being that it’s simply more “convenient” to be straight. You don’t have to come out to your family and friends. You don’t have to worry about how you’re going to have kids. You don’t have to explain to your boss that the ring on your finger was given to you by a woman. Basically, that’s just it. Being straight means that you don’t have to explain yourself.

I do feel for the straight woman who has fallen in love with a lesbian. I completely understand that it takes time to tell your family and friends that you’re dating a woman. I completely understand that you aren’t comfortable holding hands and kissing in public all the time. But, how do you think it feels to be on the other side of that? It’s easy to feel as though we’re being hidden and being hidden comes with feelings of not being good enough. It’s frustrating to know that introducing the new man in your life to your family and friends is a no-brainer whereas introducing the new woman in your life is a process. “I’m going to tell her today” or “I’m going to tell him when he’s in a better mood.” You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman is the person who’s making you happy. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman gives you butterflies when she calls you beautiful. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Shouldn’t the way this person makes you feel be the focal point of the conversation as opposed to their gender?

As a lesbian, I sometimes feel inadequate. I feel this way because others say and do things that make lesbians feel inadequate. Sometimes, even the people closest to them make them feel inadequate.

Yours truly,

The adequate according to my terms lesbian

Productiveness VS Laziness

“A paradox is a self contradictory statement or situation. It’s a logical process, in which the facts appear to be opposed to themselves.”

Example that I found online: “Nobody goes to that restaurant, it’s too crowded.”

“An extremist is a person who holds extreme or fanatical political or religious views, especially one who resorts to or advocates extreme action.”

Besides calling myself a walking, talking paradox because of a Facebook post I saw years ago, I’ve also considered myself an extremist. This idea also originated in my mind a few years ago and came from a Joe Budden lyric. And last but not least, I’ve had someone tell me that I’ll never be satisfied. For whatever reason, I’m constantly thinking about me. I don’t why I started that sentence with, “for whatever reason.” I guess it just felt right. Anyways, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out who I am. And sure, I think about the future and tangible things like a house of my own. I also think about non-tangible things like marriage and a family. And yes, I’m referring to those things as non-tangible because we can’t touch love and that’s the core of a happy marriage and a happy family. But most of my thoughts are geared towards who am I as a person? What does Evelyn like? What does she dislike? What makes her happy? What makes her sad? (This question is far more easier to answer than the first). How does she deal with stress? What are her flaws? Her weaknesses? All I’m trying to do is get to know me. I want to be able to describe me far better than my mom does. I wanna know me better than anyone else does. But I’m a difficult woman to read. So difficult that I actually can’t read myself. I don’t think this was the point behind this blog post. But I have a shit load of thoughts and it’s difficult for me to continuously think about one. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for me to figure out just who I am because focusing on one thing at a time for a long period of time is challenging.

I started this blog motivated and completely ready to tackle a specific topic. But I guess I exhausted myself. I think I’ll take a nap now.

Yours truly,

The ranting lesbian

No silicone. 

One of my friends asked me what my coming out story is and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about how unacceptable homosexuality continues to be. We love to say, “put yourself in my shoes,” but I’m not sure if we all know what that means. Plus, most straight people can’t even imagine what being gay is like. Here’s another flaw with our society, but I’m not going to get into it… Just yet. What I’d like to do is help people walk in the shoes of someone who is gay. But actually walk in their shoes, not pretend to. Here it goes.. 

Have you ever had someone tell you any of the following things? 

1. You can’t wear that 

2. You can’t say that 

3. You can’t buy that 

4. You can’t eat that 

5. You can’t feel that 

6. You can’t drink that 

7. You can’t touch that 

Have you ever had someone dictate your life? (Keyword: your). When you tell someone who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or queer that they CAN’T be who they are, you’re attempting to dictate their life. You’re dictating their life the same way your parents may have dictated and continue to dictate yours. The same way a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife may have tried to dictate yours. The same way a teacher may have tried to dictate your life. Think about the times you’ve heard the word “can’t.” Think about how you felt when someone told you that you can’t do something. I bet you felt the urge to do the complete opposite. You probably wanted to turn those CANTS into CANS. You probably wanted to make choices on your own. You probably wanted to live your life based on your standards, not someone else’s. Let’s all do each other a favor and stop trying to dictate someone else’s life. 

Love is natural. 

Therefore, being gay IS natural. 

Yours truly,

The natural lesbian 😉