But first, let me take a selfie.

I think that social media is great for some reasons. It’s an excellent way to reach a large number of people. If it weren’t for social media, it would be difficult to advertise my blog. If it weren’t for social media, many of us would not know what’s going on in other countries, let alone our own. However, I do believe that social media is misused at times.

I read an article earlier written by a woman whose husband hardly ever dedicates posts to her. I was specifically looking for an article about being perfectly fine with this. The reason being is because I’ve noticed how upset I get over social media. “Well, why won’t you put up a picture of us?” “Why aren’t I ever your #wcw?” “But, I post pictures of us/you.” “When are you going to hashtag about me?” “Well, how would you feel if I didn’t post pictures of us?” It’s a tad bit embarrassing to admit, but I’ve asked some of these questions. Then, I started to look at the bigger picture. I broke it down for myself all while watching the 50th Super Bowl (You can tell just how much I enjoyed the game). I wanted to be featured on Instagram so badly because I wanted the whole world to know just how much I’m loved and appreciated by my significant other. But then I realized, I am loved and appreciated regardless. A picture of me/us may not be posted  this Wednesday or next, but I’m sure I’ll be loved this Wednesday and next. It was a hard pill to swallow (also embarrassing to admit) but I realized that being posted on social media does not change or is reminiscent of the way someone feels about me. I also asked myself, “Well, what did people do before social media?” because believe it or not, there was a time when Facebook didn’t exist. Once I realized that relationships were fine and prospered before social media, I realized that receiving a card, a note, a love letter, or even a thirty second phone call to say, “I love you” is so much more meaningful than an Instagram post.

But wait, this isn’t the end of my rant!

We’re on social media so much that we forget about our own lives because we’re so concerned with the lives of others. We can go online and find out where others are eating, what they’re eating, who they’re eating with, what they’re going to do after they eat, and so on. We can go online and see that someone our age has a better paying job, a better car, a better apartment/house, etc. and the craziest thing is that before looking at their profile, we may have been completely satisfied with our lives. We’re constantly comparing our lives with the lives of others because it’s in our faces all the time. Most of us can’t put our phones down during dinner, a movie, or even a night out. Before eating, we HAVE to take a picture. When we’re out having a good time, we HAVE to record every minute of it. What if we just stopped and enjoyed it? What if our food came to our table and we ate it right away? We didn’t take a picture of it nor did we scroll through Instagram while eating it.

Social media is taking us away from the present.

Remember that every minute spent on social media is a minute you cannot get back.

And I’m not suggesting that we delete our Instagrams’ and Facebooks’, all I’m asking is that we pay closer attention to the role social media plays in our lives. Is it a positive one? Do you feel happier after scrolling through Instagram? How often are you comparing your life to someone else’s because of social media? Is it taking a toll on your relationship?

Stop scrolling and think. I promise it won’t hurt.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who is trying harder and harder every day to care less and less about social media

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Happiness journal. 

  It’s easy to talk about, think about, and harp on the things that upset us. Rather than appreciate our current job, we complain that the pay isn’t enough, that our coworkers suck, or that there’s no room for growth. We don’t give ourselves credit when we get a C+ in a difficult class. Instead, we complain about not getting a higher grade or blame the professor. We’re hardly ever satisfied with the way that we look and make ourselves feel like shit when we eat junk food. But what are the benefits of complaining? What are the benefits of thinking about things that upset us? Doesn’t it make more sense to think about the things that make us happy instead? I think we can all agree that choosing to think happy thoughts is the better option. So, I’m suggesting this: a happiness journal. This happiness journal doesn’t necessary have to be an actual journal, although that’s a good idea. It can be a blog, a note in your phone, an email, etc. Write down EVERY SINGLE THING that makes you happy! Here’s my first list: 

  • Sweatpants 
  • Sweater weather candle from bath and body works 
  • Body wash
  • Loofahs 
  • Milk chocolate trufflelata from Godiva (allow me to change your life with this one) 
  • Stars 
  • Henny and cranberry 
  • 9:30 am (typically) phone calls from my girlfriend 
  • Handwritten notes from my mom 
  • A full tank of gas 
  • Pink lemonade 
  • Laughing with my sister 
  • Almost anything Nike 
  • The smell of laundry 
  • Being warm 

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

When we take the time to think about all of the things that make us happy, we realize that the list goes on and on. If you don’t believe me, start a happiness journal. Whenever you’re feeling sad, angry, frustrated, etc., open up your journal and read your list. If it doesn’t put a smile on your face, read it again until it does. 

Yours truly, 

The tryna be happy all the damn time lesbian 

Uncanny. 

If I died tomorrow, there’s a few things I want people to remember. 

“I love you.”Some of my loved ones may feel as though I don’t say it enough. But if I died tomorrow, I really hope everyone that I love knows just much I love them. I hope that I show it more than enough. 

If I died tomorrow, please don’t remember all of the times that I was angry, frustrated, sad, etc. I want to be remembered as a happy person. 

If I died tomorrow, I want to be remembered as someone who changed the way you think. Someone who changed the way you view life. 

If I died tomorrow, don’t remember all of the complaints I made about money. Remember me as unmaterialistic. Remember the person who wasn’t impressed by name-brand handbags and expensive jewelry. Remember just how happy a pair of sweats and a beanie made me. 

If I died tomorrow, remember me as simple. Remember me as someone who values quality of life. Remember me as someone who strived for happiness and longed for adventure. 

But most of all, if I died tomorrow, remember me as someone who was different, unique, weird, one-of-kind, you name it. Remember me as someone who embraced being different and didn’t run away from it. Remember me as someone who took, “You’re weird,” as a compliment. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who googles and is impressed with the synonyms for weird 

  

Same love 

I was deeply hurt over this past weekend. It wasn’t one particular person that hurt me and I wasn’t mad at anyone. But I was hurt in the way that I could’ve started crying at any given moment. And I did cry. A lot. I cried in my car. I cried in the shower. I even cried in front of my little sister which is something that I’ve probably done only a handful of times. I was so desperately trying to figure out why I was hurt. Where was all of this pain coming from? I eventually figured it out. I was hurt by the world. The world’s, or should I say society’s, perception of being gay is what hurt me. I realized that being straight really is easier. If I were a man, my girlfriend and I would never get looked at or questioned after sharing a kiss in public. We could hold hands in public without others’ eyes diverting downwards when they pass us on the street. We could show affection in public without men thinking it’s “hot” or an open invitation to come home with us. 

Being straight is easier. 

Straight people don’t ever have to sit their parents down and tell them, “I’m straight.” It’s already assumed that they are unless they dress “differently” or talk “differently.” You know, because all gay people dress a certain way. Feminine lesbians? Unheard of! Unless of course one is feminine and another is butch in which case the feminine one will probably get questioned more often. People have to figure out just how feminity and sexuality go hand in hand. How could a woman be feminine and be gay? IT’S POSSIBLE. 

So like I was saying, being straight is easier. There is no, “I’m going to tell my parents soon” or “I don’t know how to tell my family.” Coming out to your family and friends usually causes anxiety. You’re afraid of how they’re going to react. Oh and be ready for the same ole questions. 

Here’s a list: 

“Well, what about grandchildren?” 

“Have you always been gay?” 

“How do you guys.. You know?” 

“What about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?” 

“Did something happen to you?” (This is the question asked when people think trauma has something to do with one’s sexuality. LOL.) 

“So, are you fully gay now?” 

“You know that it’s wrong, right?” (God will probably be brought up shortly after.) 

The list goes on and on. 

I was hurt because it’s unfair. It’s unfair that we have to hide who we really are in front of our loved ones. It’s unfair that I have to act like the best friend. It’s unfair that we have to sneak kisses. It’s unfair that I’m the one who can easily be resented. It’s unfair how I can make a woman happier than any guy ever has yet I can only be loved behind closed doors. But what’s really unfair is how, “You’re playing it off so well!” is supposed to be some kind of compliment. That’s the thing: I don’t want to have to play it off. I want the whole world to know that I love you and that you love me. The hashtag #lovewins is cute but clearly, love hasn’t won just yet. 

It’s so unfair.

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who can marry the one she loves in all 50 states but continues to be “less qualified” as another woman’s partner 

  

Adjustment. 

Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless. 

My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.

The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person. 

It’s just taking me time to adjust. 

Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust. 

   

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust  

Change. 

Ever have one of those, “What’s wrong with me?” days? I’m having one today and I have them more than I’d like to admit. It seems as though every time I come into work, I have something new to talk to Sabrina about. I don’t know if she’s annoyed by me and my problems but I most certainly am. 

Something that my ex said to me right before we broke up seems to haunt me on a daily basis; I think that I mentioned it in a previous blog. She said, “You’ll never be satisfied.” When she said this, I don’t think that she was solely referring to myself in relationships. I’m pretty sure she was referring to my life as a whole. I’m unhappy with this statement but even more unhappy because I know that there’s truth behind it. I tend to focus on the past. I think about how good things were 3 days ago or 3 months ago which prevents me from appreciating what’s happening right now at this very moment. If there’s a change in someone’s behavior over the course of time, I notice it and I usually deem it as a bad thing. “You call me less than you did a few months ago.” “We see each other less than we did a few months ago.” Now the issue is that these thoughts manifest into a complete shit show. If we see each other less than we once did, I’ll probably think that something’s wrong with that. I’ll think that we’re losing something as opposed to gaining something. I’ll think that it means we’re less excited to spend time together. Basically, I’ll think of a bunch of negative things and then I’ll even express them to the person. Expressing myself makes me feel better until the other person is like, “There’s nothing wrong.” That’s when I realize I created a problem that wasn’t there to begin with. 

So I ask myself again, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” 

I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to wake up happy more than I wake up sad. I want to go to sleep content as opposed to going to sleep with a million things on my mind. I want to change. I need to. How do I change? Is it my past that’s affecting my present? Maybe there’s a shit ton of pain that I haven’t dealt with. Maybe it’s because I don’t allow myself to cry as often as I need to. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of experiencing any negative emotions even though they’re a sign that you’re human. 

Ev, you’re human. 

Ev, it’s going to be okay. 

Ev, stop worrying. 

Ev, I love you. 

Yours truly, 

The emotional ass, ain’t even on her period to be this emotional, lesbian 

High notes. 

  
Killing someone to end their pain is such an interesting concept. It’s considered “an act of love” but has anyone thought about the actual event? Do people say it knowing that it’s really just a figure of speech or are they saying it because they’d actually do it? 

I was watching ‘Dexter’ on Netflix and a family friend of his is dying from lung cancer. Being that she thought the end of her life was near, she began to accept and embrace death. She let the pros of death outweigh the cons of living and was excited to unite with her husband in Heaven. (I should write a blog about this whole reuniting in Heaven thing). Oh and let’s keep in mind that this woman is in excruciating pain. So after accepting the fact that she was going to die, the doctors told her that she had more time to live. What do you know! She was actually upset about it, though you may believe the contrary to be true, and asked Dexter to kill her. Dexter, though a serial killer, had a tough time accepting his friend’s request. Later on in the episode, he’s having a conversation about death with his sister and his sister says she’d definitely want Dexter to kill her if she ever got really sick. Dexter was perplexed by this. I think that that’s what got me thinking. Dexter realized that he actually wouldn’t be able to do such a thing. Kill someone? Yes. But kill an innocent family member or friend? Nah nigga, chill. 

So again, we say we’d grant a dying person’s wish of being killed sooner. But would we? We say we’d take a bullet for someone we love. But would we? Would we inconvenience of lives in a major way for someone else’s convenience? Now maybe it would be a convenience to the dying person and therefore considered a convenience to the individual killing them, but I think it could potentially be too inconvenient. Inconvenient because we may have lifelong regret. Inconvenient because we may have lifelong guilt. I mean, if you tell someone that you killed your dying family member/friend because they asked you to, how do you think they’d react? 

I guess the only way we’d find out is if we were actually put into these situations. 

For now, let’s continue to be figurative. 

Yours truly, 

The ever so analytical lesbian