24 in 24 

I’m turning 24 years old in 24 hours… ish. 23 was an important year and I’d probably say it was the best year of my life. Here’s 24 reasons why: 

1) August 11, 2016 – my girlfriend treated me to a delicious meal at a REAL steakhouse #notoutback 😉 


2) I went to my first baseball game. The Mets lost, of course 😂


3) Volunteered at Global Citizen Festival for the first time. Thank you, Patrick! 


4) Witnessed one of my girlfriend’s dreams come true: she met her FAVORITE artist! 


5) Saw Beyoncé for the SECOND time that year! 


6) Completed my first Tough Mudder 💪🏼 


7) Visited Austin, TX for the first time. 


8) Went skydiving for the first time! 


9) Visited Canada for the first time and spent New Years in Montreal. 


10) Learned how to ski at Whiteface Mountain! Thank you, Kyle from ORDA, for organizing an amazing trip for us.

 

11) Went skiing for the SECOND time on Valentine’s Day. 


12) Went skiing for the THIRD time, this time at Mountain Creek. 


13) Seen and listened to two of my favorite women talk at BMCC, Chelsea Handler and Gloria Steinem. 


14) On our way to a two-week vacation in California! 

15) Fell in love with Palm Springs and San Jacinto State Park.

 

16) Came to the realization that Joshua Tree is my favorite national park thus far. 


17) Went camping for the very first time (that little, orange tent is ours). 


18) Hurt my neck looking up at the sequoias in Sequoia National Park. 


19) Enjoyed the picturesque Mesquite Flat Sand Dunes in Death Valley National Park. 


20) Unexpectedly spent time in Las Vegas with my family from LA. 


21) Met my favorite spoken word artist, Rudy Francisco. 


22) Started rock climbing. Thank you, Brooklyn Boulders! Looking forward to becoming a #beast 💪🏼


23) Seen my favorite artist, J. Cole. 


24) And last but not least, here a few people that make every day worth it. 


I’m looking forward to 24 being just as full of adventure as 23 was. I want to learn more about myself, the ones I love, and life. I want to continue falling in love with nature, CMG, and new experiences. I want to be myself wholeheartedly. I want to be honest with myself and those around me. I want to live every day like it’s my last. 

And for those reading this, live your best life. Make a bucket list, make a list of what makes you happy and do it! If money is a problem, start a lemonade stand, start a GoFundMe, or wait until you have the money in place to make your dreams come true. It’ll be worth it when you’re telling your grandkids how much fun you had in your 20s. 😉 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who wants to live life to its fullest on her birthday and the other 364 days of the year 

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Gay Pride Month

As I was exiting the subway station this morning, I noticed a TD Bank advertisement that read something along the lines of “celebrate pride month, celebrate pride year.” Once I left the station, the first thing I noticed was American Eagle’s window display for Pride. I then thought to myself, “All of these advertisements, window displays, and rainbow flags are about to come down because June is almost over.” A pretty dismal thought but it’s the reality of it, isn’t it?

The reality of Pride month is just that: it’s a month. For a month, the LGBTQ community feels recognized, accepted, and maybe even loved. But what about the 11 months of the year when rainbow flags aren’t dancing in the wind all over major cities such as NYC? The issue is Pride month is one of the only times of the year that same-sex couples make it to mainstream media. The issue is heterosexual references are everywhere, all the time. I put in my headphones and hear Trey Songz singing about sleeping with women. I change the song and hear SZA singing about sleeping with another woman’s boyfriend. I’m a huge fan of both of these artists; however, I’d love to listen to a song about homosexuals making love. I’d love to go on Instagram and see references to homosexual relationships. Instead I see things like, “Dickpressed: being sad or upset about the lack of dick in your life.” Instead I see things about falling for fuckboys and not being able to stay away from assholes. So, am I following the wrong pages or are heterosexual references EVERYWHERE? I’ve answered my own question.

Maybe I shouldn’t read into these things as much as I do but honestly they’re all reminders of the progress we HAVEN’T made. They’re reminders of the work that needs to be done. They’re reminders that the LGBTQ community continues to be the minority and continues to be treated as such. So thank you for raising your rainbow flags, thank you for the window displays and subway advertisements, BUT there’s 11 other months in the year. I’d like to be noticed then as well.

Sincerely yours,

The analytical, hyper-aware lesbian

Lady Lamb – Taxidermist 

While everyone is busy, I wish to be doing nothing. I’m in my own world. 

I don’t want to feel as if I’ve lost control. 

I don’t want to be controlled. 

While everyone is watching the fireworks, I wish to be in bed with my love during a thunderstorm. 

We’re in our own world. 

I like our world. 

“Let’s do things to distract them,” the government says. 

Let’s kill a group of cops to distract people from the other murders that have just taken place. 

We think we’re in control. 

We think we’re free. 

But we’re not. 

We aren’t free from influence. 

But we are able to formulate our own thoughts. 

To think on our own. 

To be skeptical. 

To ask questions. 

To dig deeper. 

To take a different perspective. 

Open up your mind which’ll open up your world. 

There’s so much to learn, so much to do, so many memories to make. 

I want to make them with you. 

Yours truly, 

The lesbian listening to a song for the first time 

That’s the way you make me feel. 

Self-worth.

It seems as though it’s easier for us to feel as if we aren’t good enough. There is no solid definition or way to describe “good enough.” It means different things to different people. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our parents. Maybe your parents want you to become a doctor while your dream is to become a teacher. Some of us feel as if we aren’t good enough for our significant other. Maybe you don’t feel pretty enough, adventurous enough, or sexual enough. But the worst is when you don’t feel good enough for yourself. Maybe you think that you don’t deserve nice things or that you don’t deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend. You may even think that you aren’t worthy of love or success or happiness. Well my friend, I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of those things along with anything else that sets your heart on fire. Now it’s your turn to start believing it.

I’ve been made to feel as if I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough because I’m young. I’m not good enough because I don’t have a career. I don’t make six figures. Shit, I don’t even have health insurance. (I know you coming for me during tax season, Obama. It’s all good.) I’m not good enough because I have a “strong personality.” I’m not good enough because I’m a woman. I’m not good enough because I’m a woman which therefore means I cannot impregnate your daughter. I’m not good enough because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m not good enough because I talk as if I’m “from the street.” I’m not good enough because I don’t eat “properly.” I’m not good enough because I’m from Paterson. I’m not good enough because I curse…often. I’m not good enough because I’m a lesbian.

See, the issue with these statements is that they did not come from my mouth. They didn’t come from my mouth because I AM GOOD ENOUGH. Call me young all you want; age ain’t nothing but a number to me. I know that I’m mature and that’s all that matters. (Emphasis on “I know.”) I don’t have a career and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but remember when you called me a baby? Well, this baby has PLENTY of time to figure out what she wants to do with her life considering she’s only 22 years old. (Whatever happened to having fun? I’m not cut out for that 9-5, come home and admire my white picket fence before I cook dinner for my family five nights a week, life.) And I mean, this is a blog dedicated to making women and gays feel good about themselves so I don’t even have to say that I’m good enough because I have lady parts, but I will anyway. I’M A WOMAN AND I’M GOOD ENOUGH. And I know that I can’t impregnate your daughter but I can raise children with her and be the best mother I can be.

So, there it is. Rather than allowing someone to make me feel like shit, I decided to tell myself that I’m enough. In fact, I’m more than enough.

Today’s objective: Reminding yourself of your values and realizing that they may be different from the values of others.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never let another dictate her life

  

Same love 

I was deeply hurt over this past weekend. It wasn’t one particular person that hurt me and I wasn’t mad at anyone. But I was hurt in the way that I could’ve started crying at any given moment. And I did cry. A lot. I cried in my car. I cried in the shower. I even cried in front of my little sister which is something that I’ve probably done only a handful of times. I was so desperately trying to figure out why I was hurt. Where was all of this pain coming from? I eventually figured it out. I was hurt by the world. The world’s, or should I say society’s, perception of being gay is what hurt me. I realized that being straight really is easier. If I were a man, my girlfriend and I would never get looked at or questioned after sharing a kiss in public. We could hold hands in public without others’ eyes diverting downwards when they pass us on the street. We could show affection in public without men thinking it’s “hot” or an open invitation to come home with us. 

Being straight is easier. 

Straight people don’t ever have to sit their parents down and tell them, “I’m straight.” It’s already assumed that they are unless they dress “differently” or talk “differently.” You know, because all gay people dress a certain way. Feminine lesbians? Unheard of! Unless of course one is feminine and another is butch in which case the feminine one will probably get questioned more often. People have to figure out just how feminity and sexuality go hand in hand. How could a woman be feminine and be gay? IT’S POSSIBLE. 

So like I was saying, being straight is easier. There is no, “I’m going to tell my parents soon” or “I don’t know how to tell my family.” Coming out to your family and friends usually causes anxiety. You’re afraid of how they’re going to react. Oh and be ready for the same ole questions. 

Here’s a list: 

“Well, what about grandchildren?” 

“Have you always been gay?” 

“How do you guys.. You know?” 

“What about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?” 

“Did something happen to you?” (This is the question asked when people think trauma has something to do with one’s sexuality. LOL.) 

“So, are you fully gay now?” 

“You know that it’s wrong, right?” (God will probably be brought up shortly after.) 

The list goes on and on. 

I was hurt because it’s unfair. It’s unfair that we have to hide who we really are in front of our loved ones. It’s unfair that I have to act like the best friend. It’s unfair that we have to sneak kisses. It’s unfair that I’m the one who can easily be resented. It’s unfair how I can make a woman happier than any guy ever has yet I can only be loved behind closed doors. But what’s really unfair is how, “You’re playing it off so well!” is supposed to be some kind of compliment. That’s the thing: I don’t want to have to play it off. I want the whole world to know that I love you and that you love me. The hashtag #lovewins is cute but clearly, love hasn’t won just yet. 

It’s so unfair.

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who can marry the one she loves in all 50 states but continues to be “less qualified” as another woman’s partner 

  

A Letter to my Future Self.

2015 was one hell of a year to say the least. It isn’t until the end of the year that you realize just how much your life has changed from the beginning of the year. In January of this year, I was not a college graduate. However, I am now. In January of this same year, I had a different job, a different daily routine, and a different mindset. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt yet I continue to have moments of frustrating stagnation. I feel more peaceful than ever before yet I continue to have moments of great nosiness. I feel at ease yet I continue to experience emotional turbulence. And quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m making a promise to myself that 2016 will be a year of less emotional turbulence and more emotional stability. I want to fall in love over and over again, particularly with the same person, yet be able to do the same with myself. I want to love me so much that if I get my heart broken, I can say to myself, “But at least you got you.” I refuse to rely on anyone to bring me happiness yet I am open to people complementing my happiness and perhaps increasing it. In 2016, I will be the best version of me to date. I will continue to speak my mind and continue to be honest while doing so. I will follow my grandma’s advice and “do the right thing” even if it means telling a cashier that they gave me too much change back. I will continue to tell those I love just how much I love them. And I will love strangers too. In 2016, I want to judge less and empathize more. I want to spend as much time as possible with my loved ones yet dedicate an adequate amount of time to me. I want to visit new places and reminisce about old places. I want to spend more time enjoying and appreciating money as opposed to stressing about it yet remain humble and realize that money can never buy happiness. In 2016, I will continue to stand my ground and state my opinions with confidence yet be open-minded enough to appreciate someone doing the same. I will not fight ignorance with ignorance but I will try to provide knowledge in every situation that I can. In 2016, I will learn new things. I’ll learn new things about people, places, and things. In 2016, I want to complain less and appreciate more. I want to find one good thing about every day. I want to embrace the good things and let go of the bad. In 2016, want to cry more tears of joy than tears of pain yet remind myself that it’s okay to cry in painful situations. In 2016, I want to experience change as I did in 2015. I want to find a new hobby, smile about new things, laugh at new jokes, and love in new ways. Never any less though, I always want to love more.

I mean, not in an unrequited love type way but in a love my mom more than ever type way. I want to love more in a love my sister more every day type way. What I mean by I always want to love more is love my girlfriend more than yesterday which seemed unimaginable yesterday type way. Or in a, “I’ve never had a friend love me more than she does,” type way.

You guys get it, don’t you?

Yours truly,

The hippie ass, “love is the answer,” love thy neighbor but doesn’t affiliate herself with any religion, but if love were a religion, she’d be a follower, lesbian

  

Adjustment. 

Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless. 

My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.

The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person. 

It’s just taking me time to adjust. 

Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust. 

   

Yours truly, 

The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust