Where do I begin? I guess I’ve found another piece to the puzzle. Tonight I realized that I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting. I’m in a new relationship and it’s proven to be completely different from my previous one. I think that it’s different in a good way but different nonetheless.
My previous relationship was a codependent one. We were attached at the hip and everyone who knows us knows this to be true. It was no secret. We lived together for almost two years and even when we weren’t living together, we seen each other quite often. We also talked every day, all day. Our Instagram posts were primarily about one another with me constantly posting pictures of her. In fact, there was probably some confusion as to whose profile was whose. We didn’t spend a lot of time with friends and definitely didn’t spend enough time with family. When we did spend time with these people, it was usually together. Going out on a Friday night for drinks without one another hardly ever happened. In fact, it probably never did. For three and a half years, it was all about her and I. This obviously took a toll on the relationship and was probably one of the primary reasons as to why we broke up. Not to mention it took a toll on my psyche. We simply didn’t give each other space. I never took my Mom’s advice which was, “Give each other time to miss each other.” I mean, unless you consider not talking for a few hours giving each other space. This codependency made it difficult to walk away.
The two of us have moved on. We’re both in new relationships and I believe that we’re both very happy. However, the dynamics of our relationship creep up on me every now and then. Okay, maybe they creep up on me more so now than then. I crave the attention of my significant other in ways that I received attention from my ex. I want to wake up to countless text messages and Snapchats and be woken up by a phone call. I’m actually cool with 3 missed calls. Call me while I’m sleeping, I’m cool with that too. But I have to realize that our codependency is not only what ruined our relationship but so many others. I have to become comfortable with the fact that my girlfriend and I are not one. We are two people that live two very different lives who happen to be in love with one another. I won’t see her every day and that’s okay. I won’t talk to her all day long and that’s okay too. I won’t spend every weekend with her and that’s fine. She won’t spend all of her time with me. She is still and will continue to be her own person.
It’s just taking me time to adjust.
Be patient with me. I promise I’ll adjust.
The lesbian who’s been trying her hardest to adjust
Ever have one of those, “What’s wrong with me?” days? I’m having one today and I have them more than I’d like to admit. It seems as though every time I come into work, I have something new to talk to Sabrina about. I don’t know if she’s annoyed by me and my problems but I most certainly am.
Something that my ex said to me right before we broke up seems to haunt me on a daily basis; I think that I mentioned it in a previous blog. She said, “You’ll never be satisfied.” When she said this, I don’t think that she was solely referring to myself in relationships. I’m pretty sure she was referring to my life as a whole. I’m unhappy with this statement but even more unhappy because I know that there’s truth behind it. I tend to focus on the past. I think about how good things were 3 days ago or 3 months ago which prevents me from appreciating what’s happening right now at this very moment. If there’s a change in someone’s behavior over the course of time, I notice it and I usually deem it as a bad thing. “You call me less than you did a few months ago.” “We see each other less than we did a few months ago.” Now the issue is that these thoughts manifest into a complete shit show. If we see each other less than we once did, I’ll probably think that something’s wrong with that. I’ll think that we’re losing something as opposed to gaining something. I’ll think that it means we’re less excited to spend time together. Basically, I’ll think of a bunch of negative things and then I’ll even express them to the person. Expressing myself makes me feel better until the other person is like, “There’s nothing wrong.” That’s when I realize I created a problem that wasn’t there to begin with.
So I ask myself again, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to wake up happy more than I wake up sad. I want to go to sleep content as opposed to going to sleep with a million things on my mind. I want to change. I need to. How do I change? Is it my past that’s affecting my present? Maybe there’s a shit ton of pain that I haven’t dealt with. Maybe it’s because I don’t allow myself to cry as often as I need to. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of experiencing any negative emotions even though they’re a sign that you’re human.
Ev, you’re human.
Ev, it’s going to be okay.
Ev, stop worrying.
Ev, I love you.
The emotional ass, ain’t even on her period to be this emotional, lesbian
Killing someone to end their pain is such an interesting concept. It’s considered “an act of love” but has anyone thought about the actual event? Do people say it knowing that it’s really just a figure of speech or are they saying it because they’d actually do it?
I was watching ‘Dexter’ on Netflix and a family friend of his is dying from lung cancer. Being that she thought the end of her life was near, she began to accept and embrace death. She let the pros of death outweigh the cons of living and was excited to unite with her husband in Heaven. (I should write a blog about this whole reuniting in Heaven thing). Oh and let’s keep in mind that this woman is in excruciating pain. So after accepting the fact that she was going to die, the doctors told her that she had more time to live. What do you know! She was actually upset about it, though you may believe the contrary to be true, and asked Dexter to kill her. Dexter, though a serial killer, had a tough time accepting his friend’s request. Later on in the episode, he’s having a conversation about death with his sister and his sister says she’d definitely want Dexter to kill her if she ever got really sick. Dexter was perplexed by this. I think that that’s what got me thinking. Dexter realized that he actually wouldn’t be able to do such a thing. Kill someone? Yes. But kill an innocent family member or friend? Nah nigga, chill.
So again, we say we’d grant a dying person’s wish of being killed sooner. But would we? We say we’d take a bullet for someone we love. But would we? Would we inconvenience of lives in a major way for someone else’s convenience? Now maybe it would be a convenience to the dying person and therefore considered a convenience to the individual killing them, but I think it could potentially be too inconvenient. Inconvenient because we may have lifelong regret. Inconvenient because we may have lifelong guilt. I mean, if you tell someone that you killed your dying family member/friend because they asked you to, how do you think they’d react?
I guess the only way we’d find out is if we were actually put into these situations.
For now, let’s continue to be figurative.
The ever so analytical lesbian
Wow, I can’t believe I’m writing a blog. When I first started this blog, I was so excited that I wrote two blogs in one day. Now I can’t even think of what to write. But as with many other things in my life, I started to really think about and analyze my lack of writing. Why did I stop writing so frequently? What is my next blog post going to be about? And even now that I am writing, I’m questioning where my desire TO write came from. Is it because I need to vent or is it because I’ve seen Jenny from the L word write? It’s pretty amazing how our brains work. Something as small as a scene from a tv show can cause desire for, a craving for, something or even someone, days later. Anyway, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, my lack of writing.
Well, ladies and gents, I think that it’s about these two things: privacy and vulnerability. Being that this is a public blog, I now feel limited with the things that I can and cannot write about. My Instagram is public and the link to my blog is in my bio so things that parents won’t like is just a click away. I’m an open individual. I have very little hair on my tongue especially when it comes to some of the most intimate topics like sex and relationships. But not everyone is like me and that’s something that I should probably start accepting.
But I need to vent.
There’s something liberating about writing. Your writing doesn’t have to have so much of a filter. It’s about being raw and being authentic. It’s about shedding light on your deepest, darkest secrets and the thoughts that are constantly dancing in your head. But do I want the entire world to know the real me, the completely vulnerable Evelyn? Do I want the entire world to know what causes me pain? Do I want the entire world to know how I feel about the closest people in my life? I don’t think I do.
But I need to vent.
I need to ramble.
I need to lay it all on the table.
I can’t keep carrying around this baggage.
It’s getting heavier and heavier.
The lesbian with the heavy load
Sorry, I had to.