Uh yeah, pretty much.
I’ve been blogging a lot lately because I’ve been feeling a lot lately. Lots of different emotions and lots of thoughts running through my mind. This post, in particular, is about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Personally, I think it’s great for someone to wear their heart on their sleeve and I also think that they’re in the minority. But, coming from a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, it hardly ever feels like a beneficial thing. I’d like to say I feel a lot, but I can’t single myself out. We all feel a lot. We all think a lot. What distinguishes myself from others is that I typically speak about it. If I like you, I want to let you know that I like you. Shit, I’ll let you know that I like you, how much, what I like about you, and the list goes on. I guess problems arise when you expect the same from someone else. Again, most people don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. I know this, I do, but I still have expectations. I continue to expect people to tell me how they feel. I continue to expect people to be as open and as honest about their feelings as I am. As we all know, expectations lead to disappointment. And that’s exactly how I feel most of the time: disappointed. Besides disappointment, I also feel unfulfilled. I’m constantly confused about the way people feel about me. And I completely get the whole “vibes” thing and sometimes I do rely on my gut. But how reliable is my gut? What if I think someone feels the same and they don’t? What if I overextend how they feel about me? What if I’m telling the world that they really like me and to them, it’s just not that serious? This is why I ask questions. This is why I want to know how people feel. I have quite the problem with setting myself up for disappointment. I’d rather prepare myself or at least try to prepare myself. I’d rather know how someone feels so that I can act or feel accordingly.
But this typically doesn’t happen. At least not for me.
I think it’s clear that one of my strengths is also very much so my weakness.
The unfulfilled lesbian who doesn’t let shit go
As with anything else, this Humans of NY post may not resonate with you the way that it resonates with me. Furthermore, it may not resonate with heterosexuals the way in which it resonates with homosexuals. The reason being is because that’s the life that WE live.
Lesbians have to be cautious. Have to be, but most of the time are not. We have to be cautious with the women we’re attracted to and with the women that we fall in love with. Unfortunately, we cannot fall in love with ANY woman. Most of the time all we can do is admire a woman from afar. Why is this? Well, because most women that we interact with are straight women… or so that’s the way that they present themselves to the public. A straight woman can fall head over heels in love with a lesbian which is absolutely bittersweet for the lesbian because guess what? She may never pursue anything with you. Will she think about you for the rest of her life? Absolutely. Will she miss you once she leaves you heartbroken? Absolutely. But she may never be with you. And so we ask the question again, why is this? Well there’s a plethora of reasons. The biggest being that it’s simply more “convenient” to be straight. You don’t have to come out to your family and friends. You don’t have to worry about how you’re going to have kids. You don’t have to explain to your boss that the ring on your finger was given to you by a woman. Basically, that’s just it. Being straight means that you don’t have to explain yourself.
I do feel for the straight woman who has fallen in love with a lesbian. I completely understand that it takes time to tell your family and friends that you’re dating a woman. I completely understand that you aren’t comfortable holding hands and kissing in public all the time. But, how do you think it feels to be on the other side of that? It’s easy to feel as though we’re being hidden and being hidden comes with feelings of not being good enough. It’s frustrating to know that introducing the new man in your life to your family and friends is a no-brainer whereas introducing the new woman in your life is a process. “I’m going to tell her today” or “I’m going to tell him when he’s in a better mood.” You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman is the person who’s making you happy. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that a woman gives you butterflies when she calls you beautiful. You have to set up a time to tell your family and friends that you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Shouldn’t the way this person makes you feel be the focal point of the conversation as opposed to their gender?
As a lesbian, I sometimes feel inadequate. I feel this way because others say and do things that make lesbians feel inadequate. Sometimes, even the people closest to them make them feel inadequate.
The adequate according to my terms lesbian
It’s been far too long since I’ve written a blog post.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk.
I’m sitting here contemplating how personal I want this blog post to be which makes me think about how often we hide how we’re feeling. It makes me think about the times that we say what we have to say but we don’t say it all. There are times when you have a conversation with someone and you end the conversation feeling relieved, feeling as though you’ve accomplished something. But more often than not, we have conversations in which we walk away with more questions than we started with. I think that openness is a beautiful thing. I want to take a huge leap and say that openness can change the world, it can make the world a better place. What if we laid it all on the table? What if we told everyone we love that we love them? And yes, I’m referring to your new boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest. If you’ve fallen in love with them, say so. If it turns out bad, I give you the permission to blame me. But before you blame me, think of how it feels to have gotten that off your chest. Many times, we “wait for the right time.” The problem with this is that we often don’t know when the right time is. We think to ourselves, “Is 3 months of dating enough?” We think to ourselves, “Are 4 dates enough before I have sex with this person that I wanted to have sex with on the first date?” Hey, guess what? The first date was the right time. Maybe this is the impulsive part of me talking but I’m a firm believer in doing and saying things on your terms. Your terms are the best because they’re yours. You know what’s best for you and only you know what feels right. And I’ve gone completely off topic.
So, down to business. Today is the day I’ve decided to let go of an overly extended chapter of my life. I’m referring to my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago but it officially ended today (at least in my books). For awhile, I had her under my wing. I felt as though I had the upper hand because I ended the relationship, because I was ready to move on… or so I thought. I moved on in the sense that I stopped missing her, stopped feeling as though I needed to constantly talk to her, and got pretty close to putting my feelings before hers (aka posting personal things online where she can readily see them). But, I knew in my heart that I did not move on completely. I knew that the relationship was continuing to weigh me down. While we broke up a year ago, I didn’t feel free, at least not in the way I wanted to. While the shackle around my heart had been loosened, it was still there. As of today, that shackle is no longer there. I cannot continue to live in the past and I encourage everyone who is living in the past to stop immediately. We must realize how much control we have over our thoughts and our feelings. Oftentimes, it seems uncontrollable. “I cannot control how I feel,” is what many of us say. But, the thing is this: you can. If someone or something is constantly causing you pain and heartache, the only way to remove the pain and heartache is to let go of the pain and heartache. This may mean cutting people out or it may mean recognizing how you feel, realizing you no longer want to feel that way, and letting the feeling or thought slip through your fingers and into the wind. This takes incredible mental strength and I applaud everyone who is able to do this. But more importantly, applaud yourself for overcoming mental challenges, for overcoming emotional challenges. These are the hardest challenges to overcome. I’m pretty confident that I’ve overcome the emotional AND mental challenge that my past relationship presented to me. My heart is free. It’s yours to take.
The shackleless lesbian
Is there a such thing as mutuality in relationships? Do things need to be 50/50 in order for both parties to be completely satisfied? COMPLETELY satisfied? Does 60/40 make the cut? Am I looking for someone to do just as much as I do? Or someone to do just a little more than what they’re currently doing? Are my standards too high? Do I need to change? Will I ever be completely safisfied? Will any of us ever be completely satisfied in our relationships or will we always want more?
It’s so easy for me to be thoughtful. It’s easy for me to buy someone a gift, a thoughtful gift. It’s easy for me to surprise someone with flowers or an edible arrangement. BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SURPRISE? I want love letters mailed to my house. Or even a card. A just because card. I’d prefer a just because gift or gesture as opposed to receiving a gift on my birthday. I expect a gift on my birthday or special occasions in general, but the element of surprise is so enticing.
I’m sick of feeling as though I do “too much.” I’m sick of feeling as though I go extra hard to win someone’s heart and someone’s trust. Where’s the person who’s gonna go extra hard to win MY heart? MY trust? Do I give my heart too easily? Do I need to start playing hard to get? Acting cold hearted? It’s just not me. I’m not one to play games. I’m not one to be petty. That doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to play games or be petty BUT I’d rather not be. I’d rather be honest, open, and genuine with others. But I also wanna get what I want.
I’m a caretaker. I enjoy learning about what makes others happy and what makes others sad. I enjoy learning about others wants, needs, wishes, desires, etc. I enjoy learning everything (or almost everything) about a person. I like to get inside people’s minds. But who’s going to get to know me inside and out? Does anyone want to know me inside and out? Again, I’m a caretaker. I don’t mind being a caretaker but I can’t say that I’ll be upset if someone wanted to take care of me.
BLOW UP MY PHONE.
LEAVE ME VOICEMAILS.
BRING ME FOOD.
WAIT FOR ME AT HOME.
ASK ME QUESTIONS.
GET TO KNOW ME.
I guess I just want to be taken care of.
The lesbian who wears her heart on her sleeve