Questions Pt. 2

It’s only right to start this blog with this question: who knows you the best? Is it your mom? Your dad? Your best friend? Your lover? Your coworker? Do they know your deepest darkest secrets? What about these secrets are deep and dark? What would happen if one day everyone found out what your deepest darkest secret is? How would this change your life? When’s the last time something life-changing happened to you? When’s the last time you did something for the first time? Are first-time experiences always better than the experiences that follow? What have some of your favorite experiences been? What are your fondest memories, good and bad? Do you think we remember more good than bad or do we remember more bad than good? What is your most painful memory? Why is this your most painful memory? Do you think you’ll ever be able to let go of your most painful memory? How much do we actually remember? Do you think we forget more than we remember? Or do we remember more than we forget? What if you found out that your parents weren’t your parents? Would you want to know who your real parents are? What makes a “good” parent good? What makes a “bad” parent bad? If there were no restrictions, how many children would you like to have? How many boys? How many girls? What would you do as a parent that your parent(s) did with you? What would you do differently? Would you change anything about your life thus far? Are you generally happy with the way your life has gone and is currently going? What makes you happy? Is happiness different for everyone? Would you be happier if you had more money? What about more clothes? What about a newer car? How important are material things to you? How would you feel if you came home to no clothes and no shoes? What if a family/friend gave your clothes to a homeless person? Would this change how you feel? Would you switch lives with a homeless person for a week in order to provide them with shelter and food? Would you do this for free or would money need to be involved? If you could have any amount of money in the world, how much would you want? What is the first thing you would do with this money? Would you quit your job? What if your boss begged you to stay? Would you stop going to school? What if you were a year away from finishing? What’s your favorite quote? What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Curiosity gets me out of bed in the morning.

There is so much left to do, so much left to learn.

There are so many more people left to love, so many more memories to be made.

Think about this the next time you have trouble waking up in the morning.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who will never stop asking questions

The blog post you’ve been asking for..

You’ve been struggling for quite some time now and I know that it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating for those who love and care for you, but I know that it’s most frustrating for you. I know that those who love and care for you want to see you get better. But I also know that you want to get better just as much as we want you to get better. I understand that it’s confusing for you. I understand that it’s tiring. I understand that you want to give up at times. But I also know that you don’t think that I understand. I know that you think mommy doesn’t understand. That your friends and family don’t understand. And you’re right, we don’t fully understand. Only you fully understand. You’re the author of this book. But let me tell you a few things that you don’t understand:

You don’t understand how much potential you have. You’re intelligent, you’re mature, you’re inquisitive. These three traits alone can lead to great success.

You don’t understand how beautiful you are, on the outside and the inside. And yes, I said the outside. So what if you’re short? So what if you’re not a size 0? So what if your skin isn’t flawless? Why should you follow any beauty standards but your own? Understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What’s beautiful to me may not be beautiful to you and that’s ok. Likes on Instagram doesn’t define beauty. Runway shows don’t define beauty. Hell, beauty pageants don’t even define beauty. Why? Because there is no definition of beauty. Beauty is completely fluid. Please remember that.

Another thing to remember? Change is constant. Today is not tomorrow and tomorrow is not today. Don’t wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “Today is going to be another shitty day.” Don’t compare tomorrow from today because tomorrow can be completely different from today. My point? Just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean you’re always going to struggle.

I know that I can be insensitive and I know that I’m not good at talking about my feelings, but your mental health concerns me just as much as mommy’s cookies concern her. I may not always show my concern, but trust me, it’s there.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: I want you to be happy just as much as I want to breathe.

Love always,

Your big sister

12, 13, 14.

I had a dream about this girl.

It was a dream so great that I didn’t want to wake up from it.

The girl in my dream was full of life.

I looked at her and I seen an elementary school playground.

I seen kids who are abused, bullied, and mistreated smiling and laughing.

I seen kids of all races, of all ages, of all classes get along as though they were transparent.

As though their race didn’t determine their behavior.

As though their age didn’t determine their maturity.

As though their class didn’t determine their success.

Their eyes sparkled the same way in which her eyes sparkle.

Their smiles were so bright, they may as well have been best friends with the sun.

Their laughs were so loud, the children in Africa forgot that they were hungry.

I looked at these kids and bad luck suddenly ceased to exist.

The number 13 became excluded from the chalkboards in the classrooms.

The bell rang.

The kids disappeared and all I could see was her.

She walked towards me and whispered in my ear,

“I am the number 13. I do exist. And I’m not bad luck.”

Just because..

Some of us wear pink just because.

Some of us wear makeup just because.

Some of us wear high heels just because.

Some of us wear clothing tight to the skin just because.

Some of us brush our hair in the morning just because.

Some of us get manicures every two weeks just because.

Some of us strive to be skinny just because.

Some of us cross our legs just because.

Some of us don’t use foul language just because.

Some of us don’t burp in public just because.

Some of us don’t fart in public just because.

Some of us hate ourselves after a one-night stand just because.

Some of us keep a little black book just because.

Some of us fuck him just because.

Some of us cook just because.

Some of us bake just because.

Some of us clean the house just because.

Some of us get married just because.

Some of us have kids just because.

Some of us stay home with the kids just because.

Some of us make excuses just because.

Some of us are ashamed just because.

Some of us smile just because.

Some of us are silent just because.

Some of us have given up just because.

Some of us have lost hope just because.

WOMEN do things just because.

Just because our parents tell us too.

Just because our teachers tell us too.

Just because our friends tell us too.

Just because the media tells us too.

Just because society tells us too.

Yours truly,

The lesbian who REFUSES to do things just because

quote hey you

Questions

What kinds of questions do you ask someone when you first meet them? Do you ask them what their favorite color is? Do you ask them when and where they were born? Do you ask them what food they like to eat? How important are these questions to you? Do you feel as though these questions aid in the “getting to know each other process?” These questions are cool and perhaps they are essential, but they are definitely mediocre. Here are some questions that I’d prefer to ask and be asked.

What was your childhood like? Who did you grow up around? Do you wish you were born some place else? Do you wish you were born under different circumstances? If you could be born during any time period, which time period would it be? What is your greatest accomplishment in life? Why is this your greatest accomplishment in life? What else do you hope to accomplish? What role does love play in your life? What about sex? How is sex for you? Is it enjoyable? Is it anxiety provoking? What do you like most about sex? What do you like least about sex? If you could have sex with anyone, who would it be? Do you ever wish you were someone else? If so, who is this person? What attributes do they have that you may not have? If you could choose anyone to live for as long as you live, who would it be and why? What impact has this person had on your life? Would you take a bullet for this person? Does the classic example of taking a bullet for someone exemplify how much you love someone? What is love to you? What is hate to you? Is hate a form of love? Is hate a form of envy? What do you hate about this world? Do you think there’s life on other planets or in other galaxies? What does this world look like to you? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? If you could speak another language, what language would you speak? What do you love about yourself? What do you hate about yourself? Do the things you love about yourself outweigh the things you hate about yourself or vice versa? Why do you hate the things you hate about yourself? Why do you love the things you love about yourself? Why are you the person you are today? What were you like 5 years ago? What do you hope to be like 5 years from now? What is 60 year old you like? What are your hobbies? Who do you think about the most? Who is the most interesting person in your life? Why are they the most interesting person in your life? Are you an interesting person? Do you think that there’s something interesting about everyone? What sparks your interest?

Who are you?

You’re more than a favorite color. You’re more than your age. You’re more than your GPA. You’re more than what people tell you, you are.

You’re more than what you think you are.

Yours truly,

Once again, the curious lesbian

When did you come out the closet?

How long have you been straight for? Were you born straight? How do your parents feel about you being straight? Have you ever considered being with someone of the same sex? No? Why not? These questions are bizarre, aren’t they? Have you ever heard these questions be asked? I’m going to make the assumption that many of you have not. Because you probably haven’t heard these questions be asked to someone, you probably have never considered why. Why don’t we ask people these questions? Because everyone’s straight, right? WRONG! Those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc., are constantly asked these questions. Everyone is, or at least seems to be interested, in our “coming out story.” And don’t get me wrong, I’d love to answer each and every one of your questions, but what if I asked you, a straight individual, the same questions? Would you take offense to it? Would you think I’m odd? Shit, you probably already do think I’m odd.

I know, I know. You’re going to feed me that, “You’re not odd. I accept gay people,” bullshit. Yes, it’s bullshit. And yes, I’m angry. The best way I can put this is: we live in a society that prides itself on being open-minded yet we are completely close-minded. We accept gay people, but we still think it’s unnatural. We understand that she identifies herself as a lesbian, but we’re still going to tell her that she hasn’t found the right guy yet. We understand that she identifies herself as a lesbian, but we’re still going to ask her if she’d ever consider being with a guy. Well let’s see my straight female friend, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING WITH A WOMAN? And to my straight male friend, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING WITH A MAN? Let me guess, you’re offended. It’s because no one has ever questioned your sexuality. Why? Because your sexuality is “normal.”

Homosexuality used to be a mental illness in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (psyc people know what I’m talking about). Although they removed it many years ago, homosexuals are still treated as though they are “diseased.” I’m so dramatic, aren’t I? No, I’m not. Because if you’re telling me that I just need to find the right man, you’re also telling me that being with a man is a cure. A cure to my lesbianism.

My sexuality IS natural. I naturally love women. I adore women the same way that straight men adore women. Now stop questioning my sexuality before I start questioning yours.

Yours truly,

The angry lesbian.

gay af