It’s difficult for me to verbalize how I feel. It’s especially difficult when I know that the minute I start talking, I’ll also start crying. This is why I write. I write because I’m afraid for my voice to shake as I speak. I write because I’m afraid of the burning sensation I’ll feel when tears start to stream down my cheeks. If I told you my fears, you’d get a glimpse of how I feel. I fear that one day you’ll kill yourself. I fear that someone will find you dead. I fear that I’ll be busy when I get the initial call. I fear that I’ll check my phone and see 53 missed calls and 13 texts from the person who found you dead. I fear that one day I’ll lose someone I love unexpectedly. I fear that I’ll lose myself expectedly. I fear that I won’t be able to function without you in my life. I fear that I’ll have to quit my job because I won’t be able to get through 8 hours without crying. I fear that I’ll never be able to move on. I fear that I’ll break down in front of the guests at your funeral. I fear that I’ll throw myself in the plot once they finish lowering your casket. I fear that I’ll die when you die.
Please don’t die.
A daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, and a lover